


Sympathy for the Devil

by SpiritQuartz



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-19 12:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5967556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiritQuartz/pseuds/SpiritQuartz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What's it like to be the devil? Does she have her own story? Mara has been in Haven longer than anyone. Given her body, her family, life and love. What gives a person the right to exist?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can Nobody Hear Me?

**Author's Note:**

> This one is a little darker than my other work. It's rated M for a reason. No copyright infringement intended.
> 
> Hallelujah written by Leonard Cohen, best performed by Jeff Buckley
> 
> If you don't know who 'Sympathy for the Devil' is by, you're probably too young to read this.

 

* * *

Every time Duke came to Mara in that cold cargo hold, she got more curious. She wanted to know his motivations. They had their little darling back, so what could they possibly need her for? She didn't feel like telling _them_ any of her secrets. She wasn't stupid enough to give them ammunition against her. Maybe they'd started to notice that Audrey was unwell. They'd assume that Mara would know what to do.

And she did, too. Mara knew _everything_.

But she'd been sitting with her pencil and paper, trying to discover new math formulas on one sheet every few minutes while she continued to work on music she'd been writing. She wished she just had some blank sheet music, she hated the repetition of drawing out every line. She did it though- despite her eidetic memory- because she wanted to create one last thing, and she wanted it left intact. Once it was written down that song would exist forever.

She was sitting and behaving and being _bored out of her fucking skull_ when she heard the dungeon door open. She sat up excitedly, wondering what disaster they'd come to beg her help with. She absolutely _loved_ these days. When they came and they begged for her help. She always made them beg, though. She was already their prisoner... kind of. She wouldn't act eager to help, interested both in knowing how the Trouble had evolved and how it had been activated and in the thrill of finding the answer. She wasn't a pet or a genie.

But he didn't ask anything. Duke had two mason jars in hand, and he stopped in a corner to grab a bottle of bourbon before taking a seat across from Mara. She slowly closed her music and her math papers and stacked them neatly next to her. He was pouring two generous portions into the jars and Mara wondered what fresh hell this was. She wanted a _Trouble Day_ , damn it. Not a _Let's Find New Ways to Torture Mara_ _Day_. She disliked their brand of torture. The three 'B' system- Beating, Branding and Burning- Mara had that totally under control. She could even relax and enjoy that sometimes. At least it was a reminder that she had her own body.

Not that the Scooby Squad had done that. They claimed they wouldn't 'stoop that low' and that they were better than her. Which led to the torture she truly disliked.

Talking.

She used 'talking' in the broadest definition. This was no polite public discourse. This was accusations, threats and insults. Most times that didn't bother her, either. They obviously didn't know what they were talking about. You could tell just by the line of questioning. She could even tell what book they'd gotten any specific line from. It was boring, but bearable.

Sometimes though, sometimes like last week, they'd get an idea, something new they wanted to try. Sometimes these were very fun- public outings, pancakes- all sorts of things to keep her entertained.

Last week though, that had been awful. She was trying to hide it, to ignore it, but she couldn't. Even now it gnawed at her brain, making her angry and jealous.

They'd called her 'Audrey' all day. Like a stickpin they jabbed her over and over, talking about _feelings_ and old stories... those old stories, they made her want to scream. ' _I was there! You don't have to remind me because I. Was. There. I could see you, you couldn't see me. You couldn't save me. Not that you'd have tried._ ' but she tried to stay unaffected, tried to find clever retorts but had run out. Her body ached, but her chest ached more. Why did Mara have no right to her own body? Why was Mara convicted without a trial?

They hadn't even asked her anything. Certainly not anything important.

They'd unlocked the stupid cuff- honestly, they may as well call it a collar, that's what it was- and she hadn't touched them. Like a cornered rattlesnake she had made furious, frightening noises.

If she had wanted them dead she wouldn't have told them first. That's a rookie mistake, and Mara was no rookie.

But then they were all too close, she could feel the heat of their skin around her and it sent the dormant hypersensitivity into overdrive. All she could do was _feel_.

Then Nathan, damn him. The star and cause of so many of her nightmares. The one who had come back to get her pregnant _on purpose_. Of course it had been on purpose. He was no fool, he was brilliant. The idea of someone else getting who he _thought_ was Audrey pregnant was horrifying to him. He didn't want to think of another man on top of her, inside her, getting her with child and leaving. When he found himself in a position to take that role himself? He had barely blinked.

Nathan had known, known without doubt that she was going to get pregnant. Hell, that was probably half of what had gotten him off so hard. The certainty that he was staking a claim, that she would be forever connected to him because they shared a child.

Too bad the woman he was trying to claim didn't exist yet.

But Nathan had hugged her with the hypersensitivity in overdrive and she had gotten lost, lost in her own head while Audrey forced her way up to speak to these people who loved her.

When she had finally figured it out, pulled herself together and made Nathan let go of her, Mara heard her own name for the first time all day, but murmured in disgust and dread in a voice that made Mara want to cry.

They had ripped Audrey out of her, finally, but the memories from the time they'd shared were as much a part of her as any other personality.

But now here was Duke Crocker, the owner of that same horrified voice, sitting in front of her, not even on the other side of her makeshift 'table'. Close enough that with the slack in her chains she could touch him if she tried.

She tilted her head in a silent question as he offered her a glass, which she took immediately.

Was this the new plan, then? Ply her with alcohol to loosen her tongue? Poor fools. Her metabolism was more that three times more efficient than an average human. She could match Duke drink for drink, and he'd be confessing to _her_ before that bottle was empty. Thank goodness. This was much better than the 'call her Audrey' game.

Mara raised her glass slightly at Duke, who smirked and did the same before she took a drink. The liquid fire spun through her chest, warming her as she watched that small smile on Duke's lips.

"So what's this? Don't we need a couch if you're going to delve into my psyche?" Mara looked him up and down with one eyebrow raised. "Or delve into anything else, for that matter."

He didn't blush and she was disappointed. One of her best weapons was sex. Depending on the target, coming on strong or playing coy could make all the difference in the world. But Duke didn't look horrified by the idea of a night with her.

He didn't seem all that interested either, but Mara wasn't used to good things, so she'd lowered her expectations and life was easier.

Duke told Mara about his day. About how he had helped people and toiled for people and worried about those people. What struck her most about his tale was that it was never, ever mentioned that the people he spoke of never, ever said 'Thank you'.

She couldn't stop the words. "That doesn't bother you?"

"What?"

"That they never thank you. You're not an employee, you're not duty-bound. They can't even spare you two lousy syllables?"

Duke looked startled, then suspicious. "What's it to you?"

She shrugged, rolling her shoulders. "Down, kitty. Just curious. You wouldn't believe me anyway."

Now Duke was on offense. What she'd said about the lack of gratitude had hit a little too close to home and he was turning it back on her.

"No, you brought it up. What is it, did poor Mara break a nail cursing some family and they didn't thank you appropriately? Did they not provide enough corpses to keep you amused?"

The pictures rolled through her head. Seeing other children play or get presents and have birthdays while she had suffered silently. How she had just gone from being one type of freak to another. How even her family feared her. They never thanked Mara, and Mara never had a reason to thank them.

Instead of letting the hurt and doubt show, she smirked as she took another drink. "Something like that. Go on, finish your story,"

He was still glaring a little but he took a drink and continued his story. Mara watched his hands and arms as he spoke. How strong his hands were, yet his fingers slid against the glass of the jar like satin. The way those fingers had felt on her skin- yes, _her_ skin, Mara had been the one to kiss Duke in Colorado; Audrey had been the one stubborn enough to tell herself that two beers was enough to get buzzed on and that the voice in her head wasn't real.

She loved when he left his sleeves just partly rolled like that. She liked to watch the dance of muscle over the bones and admire the curve of his wrist. She thought of the people who had felt those hands against their skin when it wasn't about punishment or anger. The darker, perhaps more realistic part of her wondered what a punch or slap from that hand would feel like. It would hurt- a man like Duke only bothered hitting if it was to really hurt someone- but she would feel so _alive_.

They finally got around to the resolution, and when Mara asked what the person's motive had been, Duke shrugged. "I guess the devil made him do it."

Mara scoffed at that. "Every time a human does something bad, they say 'the devil made me do it." She was looking at a corner of the room, sneering as she waved her drink, holding the mason jar like it was fine china.

"The devil doesn't make you do anything. Your nature does. I give someone the power to grow flowers and crops. Noble intention, right? That's where it gets interesting. You could grow a beautiful garden, make a tree into a living sculpture... or you could use it to make the trees create a prison, trying to crush a room full of innocent people."

She took a drink, eyes narrow and face unsmiling as she gestured to Duke. "I give someone the power to end a Trouble by taking the life of a carrier. It can be used to grant mercy to the sick and dying, so that their lives will not have been lived in vain. It can make a man a priest; the one, amazing thing that can forgive their sins and grant them and their families true absolution. Or it can be used by a drunk -yes, I said a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings-" she took another drink, as though to prove her point,"a drunk who's in a temporary depression because his wife was a slut, and he can use it to kill people just for a way to get high. Human lives must be cheaper than an 8-ball of heroin. Not the sick or elderly, either. No, he took pretty girls. Girls with their whole lives in front of them."

Oh, that hit a nerve. Duke flung his arm across the table, scattering her papers and knocking the bottle of bourbon to the ground. She was relieved to see it hadn't broken.

"You shut your mouth! You have no idea what you're talking about. You don't talk about my family like that."

Mara tilted her head, amused. "It's always the truths that hurt the most. It doesn't matter if people lie about you all day long, but the second someone says something true? Then all bets are off. I'm not telling you anything you haven't thought a million times. You fought it, you fight every day. When you were finally free of it, you even willingly took it back; not for the high, but so you could help people. Duke the pirate. Duke the outlaw. Duke the runner. Duke the screw up who can't be trusted. Duke the _failure_." Her lips twisted around the word like it meant something personal to her, like it tasted bad.

"The fact is," she continued lazily, waving her glass and wondering if she could reach the bottle with her feet as she swallowed the rest of the liquid in her glass. "you're the one who had the self control to use it the right way. You perfected your ability, you worked constantly to master it. Your brother and father? Only about the high and the 'holy crusade to destroy the Troubled'. Wade wasn't as strong as you and you know it. Too bad Jordan didn't notice that sooner."

Duke leapt to his feet, stalking around the table toward her. His foot hit the fallen bottle, making it slide a foot closer. She'd be able to pick that up with her feet. So maybe she wouldn't be completely bored.

She put her mason jar down, staring impassively as her hauled her up by her arms, yelling in her face. "Wade was a good guy until he came here! He didn't choose to become what he did, you chose it when you gave us this damn curse in the first place! You're the reason my brother is _dead_. Stop talking about things you know _nothing_ about."

He pushed her a little when he dropped her arms and she just stared. "Really? Is that what happened? Poor little Wade, it wasn't his fault. The devil made him do it. I wonder what Jennifer or Jordan would say about that."

His arm flew back and Mara smiled in anticipation. His fingers curled into a fist, his face was almost purple with rage, and then the strangest thing happened.

He stopped.

He lowered his hand to his side, and though his nostrils still flared and his jaw was tight with repressed anger, his color went back to normal. The look on his face though- she wished he had punched her instead. Let her actually _feel_ something different. His voice was still angry, but his words dripped like venom.

"You're not worth it."

She didn't let her expression change, not that he would have seen it. He spun and walked out the door without a backward glance.

Suddenly Mara felt very sick.

It sounded like he left the ship, the bangs and thuds, the scrape of the door. When everything was quiet, Mara sat back down and pulled the bottle of bourbon to her, not bothering with the glass. She took a long, long drink. Even with her metabolism, the almost-full bottle would certainly be enough to get her drunk.

Ten minutes and half the bottle later, Mara addressed the empty room, imagining every person who'd altered her life sitting around the room. She took another long pull.

"The devil made me do it. All of you say it. Every single one of you. Did any of you ever, ever ask what made the _devil_ do it?"

She surged to her feet, taking a drink as she gestured with the bottle. She was taking to herself, asking and answering questions like she was different people. "What made the devil do it? Huh? What made the devil, who all accounts insist was the most beautiful, smart and loving of all the angels turn on his parent?"

_"Well that's a good question, Mara, why DID the devil do it?"_

"Now that's a real question, Judith! See, people assume they know a lot about the devil, because they have books and stories that their granddaddies told them, so they think they know everything about the devil. That he's just concentrated evil, that he has no purpose in his actions, that he actually barters in human souls. Can you imagine? Who the hell would want a human soul? Filthy, ragged things. They think they know everything."

_"Well if that's not the truth, then what is the truth, Mara?"_

She chugged now, unable to taste anyway. "Glad you asked, Claudia! People don't ask me questions here and it's weird, because they all talk so much about wanting to understand, but I'm the one who was here, the one who actually knows, yet they never ask me things.

"But since you asked, the truth is that the devil was just a kid. A kid with powers, a kid who could do things. She made people nervous or jealous everywhere she went. She was a misfit, and though people were too scared to say anything directly, everywhere the devil went, she could hear people whispering. Words like 'freak' and 'unstable' and 'unnatural'. All because the devil could do things other people couldn't. Things they didn't understand, that nobody in the last three generations could do."

She raised her arm to take another drink and stumbled as the cuff pulled. She moved a bit closer, finished the bottle and grabbed the cuff, popping her thumb out of the socket so she could pull out of the cuff and then popping her thumb back in with a sneer.

"The only person the devil could trust was her father. He loved that she was different, told her to treasure it because there could be a million other people, but there was only one devil, and she'd show them, she'd show that her powers were a good thing, something that she could help people with. The devil had been born wrong and the Daddy made medicine with magic stardust to save the devil. But she'd been even more of a misfit after the cure than before.

"But her Momma never trusted the devil, and the devil often heard her mother crying about how she wished her child were normal and safe. That they should have stopped after one child. How they should have some kind of plan for if something went wrong, because with such strong powers, something would certainly go wrong. See, even as a little child the devil wasn't trusted."

Mara tried to pace and the shackle on her ankle tripped her up. Frowning, she gazed at it for a moment, watching it melting away and opening, allowing Mara to step free of the shackle. Molten iron flowed over her bare foot. She waited for it to harden and then peeled it off. It made a perfect mold of her foot and she stared in fascination for a moment. Free, she began pacing, mindlessly undressing at the same time. She pulled off each article of clothing, folding it neatly and setting it in a pile. Duke had made the mess and Mara had no desire to clean it up, but she wasn't going to add to it.

Free and naked, Mara headed for her tub, running the hot water. It was odd; alcohol usually made her feel warm inside but all she felt was cold.

Her invisible audience must have followed, because Mara spoke as she ran the soap she'd been given under the tap, sitting on the side of the tub to make a bubble bath.

"Her Momma thought of two plans. One was finding a way to discover what made her unique, what made her different from everyone else so that the Momma could master it, to make it so that she could use it herself. She said if she knew she was as strong as the devil that the devil wouldn't worry her. She tried that plan for a very long time, is trying it still. She hides so nobody recognizes her and makes the devil the entire face of everything. She hides behind her child."

Mara slipped into the tub, pulling her hair up in a messy bun. Nobody watched her anyway unless they thought she could give them information they wanted. The water continued to flow and she tried to let it warm her. She was just so damn _cold_.

"The second plan was even worse. She designed a cage. A prison to keep the devil in so they could keep her locked up unless they needed her for something. Not even a gilded cage, it was everything the devil hated. Cold and bright and sterile and formal. It smelled of antiseptic and death. But the devil had to provide the deaths. And the room in the back is where you're never supposed to go. You're never supposed to but she makes you anyway. It's the devil's torture chamber, but that translates wrong. It's not a torture chamber that the devil controls, it's a chamber to torture the devil."

_"Wow Mara, that sounds scary! Was the devil bad then? How did they control the devil until they chose a plan?"_

"That's a good question, Sarah. See, back then the devil was trying very, very hard not to be bad or scary. She attended every lesson, never complained or cried no matter how hungry or tired she got. No matter how much her body hurt, she was quiet and she behaved. They didn't have a collar or cage on her at all. She roamed around free, deciding when she was hungry or sleepy and she never killed anyone at all."

Mara relaxed further into the scalding water as the bourbon continued the slow progress through her system. She washed her face, removing any trace of makeup, but when her face reemerged from the soap and water her eyes were still lined in black. She rolled her shoulders as she melted into the water.

_"But it's the devil, Mara! The personification of evil! How did that happen?"_

Mara touched her chin to the bubbles, pointing at an invisible student. Her words slurred just slightly. "Very good, Veronica, I'll explain. See, the Momma thought of a way to do both plans at once. She chased the devil away and made her leave home, so the devil went far away to make a new town. She helped build houses and deliver babies and heal illness. She helped grow the crops and fix the weather when it was doing something bad for the townsfolk. In the new place, the people _liked_ the devil for what she could do. They were never afraid of her and she never hurt them."

She frowned as she realized she was out of booze. But hadn't Duke pulled that last bottle out from behind the box in the corner? Mara stared at the box, her eyes flared red and a bottle flew into her open hand. She opened it and drank.

_"Well Mara, that's confusing. Why did the devil have to be locked up if nobody was getting hurt? Everyone knows the devil is the worst thing there is. All the bad things in the world exist because of the devil!"_

"Lenore, that's an interesting story, I'm glad you asked. When the Momma made her plan to build a cage, she couldn't do it alone. She didn't have an ability, she couldn't use the magic stardust like the devil could. She had to get other people to do it for her and that made the Momma so mad. That the devil had been born being able to work with something that wouldn't go near the Momma, it made her so angry. The fear became fascination and then that became obsession. The Momma wasn't afraid of the devil anymore, but she'd decided that she absolutely _had_ to understand how to work with the magic stardust."

_"Oooh, what happened next, Mara?"_

Mara held one finger up as she took another pull from the newly purloined bottle.

"Well, Delia, the Momma got so obsessed that she started doing tests and experiments that weren't legal. Things that were unethical and immoral, degrading and _wrong_." Her voice dropped to a whisper as her hand reached to touch her abdomen. "Things that left scars."

Another drink. "The Momma got caught after one of the experiments. The Daddy saw what she was doing, he saw her chart full of notes about everything she had done. The Daddy was angry. His voice was like thunder when he shouted." She closed her eyes, brows furrowed as she took another drink, and a storm rolled over Haven. Driving rain, gusting winds rocking the ship. Thunder rolled every time she spoke of the man. "The Daddy said, 'She's an innocent child' and the Momma said that wasn't true. That the devil was more than a child. She was a chance to learn, a unique opportunity to create advancements in medicine, agriculture and _warfare_. She said it would be criminal to waste that opportunity and that only a fool would ignore their duty in favor of a bastard that wasn't even theirs. That's right, _not even theirs_. Taken from a woman in a lower caste because the devil was unusual.

"The Momma made a face and said. 'She's no innocent either, she'll never be accepted in a marriage contract because she's impure. If you don't believe me, that cabinet is full of tapes documenting each session. You'll never get a decent bride-price for her, she'll never fit in and you're still going to try and say this isn't the best thing I could have done for us?'. She made that face, that sneering face, the whole time, and she had her arms crossed."

Mara flicked a few bubbles in the air, watching them float down again. "The Daddy turned all red and told the devil to get dressed and go out to play, not to come home until the street lights came on. She thought the Daddy was going to kill the Momma and secretly, the devil was so, so glad. But when she came home that night, everyone acted normal." She squinted, staring into the distant past.

_"Why didn't he hurt her, Mara? You said you thought he would kill her, but she was fine? Why didn't he do something?"_

"Eliza, that's something I still ask myself. Why wasn't she stopped? But I think there's lots of reasons. Maybe he just yelled at her. Maybe she drugged him. But I think probably, the devil just wasn't worth it. She was more trouble than she was worth. She was nothing but a baby who'd been stolen from someone who was probably glad to see her go."

Mara took another drink and put the bottle down, resting into the water.

"Anyway, that very same night the devil got woken up with a hand over her face. She was so afraid, she thought she might throw up. But it was the Daddy. He spoke in sign language. It was one of the special things the Daddy and the devil shared. She couldn't hear until she was an older child, until the Daddy cured her illness. The devil was good at reading lips, so most people didn't even know she was deaf."

She turned the hot water on high again, trying to chase away the chill in her bones. When she turned it off and sat back, she was telling the story with her hands, too; automatically translating into sign language as she spoke.

"The Daddy said she had to go. The devil was being cast out of paradise. She was too much trouble for the Daddy, too much to keep her. He told her to be very quiet and he passed her a silk satchel, something she'd been given as a gift when she'd reached womanhood. She put in several dresses, her letters and journals. The three journals she'd stolen from the Momma's desk when the Daddy was rushing around. She tied a sash 'round her hips and the dagger that William had given her after she'd mended his broken leg hung from it in it's leather scabbard. She tied a large velvet pouch of orbs- er, I mean... magic stardust to the other side so she had both her weapons at hand. She threw her jewelry into another pouch, put on her ring and the Daddy took her away."

Mara scowled, reaching to take a long drink.

_"Why did he send you away, Mara? Where'd you go?"_

"Oh Lucy. Don't be silly. He sent me away so he could stop the Momma from doing something illegal that would tarnish his family name. He only had one name. He could always have more children. Normal ones, even. So he sent me- her, I mean, he sent her through the doorway to the Lost Land, where the unwanted go. She had been there before in studies, but this time she was alone. No adult for guidance, no protection but her dagger and her wits and no idea where she should go.

"She walked for days. Everything looked the same. All white fluffy clouds with sparks of lightning, all the same deafening, howling noise that makes you shiver if you hear it once, but if you hear it continuously it makes you twitch and it hurts. But the devil walked and she found a doorway. When she approached it, it opened by itself, as though it were welcoming her in." She took another drink and cleared her throat.

"The portal locked behind her on the way out. She'd been banished. But like I said, the people liked the devil, they liked that she took care of them and tried to make their lives better. They swore to protect her and she swore to protect them. The people that she used the stardust on, they became special in different ways and all of them got marked by the stardust. This mark." Mara held her arm straight up, the Maze glowing brilliantly against the skin of her wrist. She left the mark to shine there even after she'd dropped her hand back into the water. It glowed like candlelight.

"So the devil had a sanctuary and the sanctuary had a caretaker. One night, there was a knock at the devil's door. She had a cat back then. Kind of. He was made of the magic stardust, but he looked and acted like a cat. When she went to check do you know who she saw? She saw her brother William, the one who had given her the dagger for mending his leg.

"He laughed and hugged her and spun her around the room and it made her laugh. She was confused. She thought they'd all forgotten her, that she'd shamed them. But William said he'd been searching for her, that their family had put up a big fuss, offering a reward for bringing their baby home. But the Daddy knew where she was. He'd sent her away himself. None of it made any sense and I- the devil, I mean, didn't know what was going on.

"William decided not to go back right away, and he swore he'd never tell where the devil was. When he swore to protect her, he was too earnest. He said 'I swear I will share your pain, I will protect and defend you with my very life as long as I live.' Neither William nor the devil knew that William could use the magic stardust until the light exploded."

She drank, hugging the bottle to her chest.

_"What was the light, Mara?"_

"Thanks for asking, Audrey. The light was a sign. William was so serious and the devil was so lonely she accepted his friendship. She didn't know he loved her, and she didn't love him the same way, but she was so lonely, and she was scared. She was tired of feeling expendable. The devil knew she wasn't as important as everyone else, but she didn't like feeling like garbage. The people in her town loved her and thought she was special. She just wanted people to think she mattered."

She took a slow breath, reheating the water as she took a long, brooding drink. When she finally turned the water off, she was scowling.

"The devil made me do it. You girls know what the devil did? She gave them _options_. She helped them find ways to feed their families. Some of them, they let their nature get to them. They weren't good hearted. So no! The devil has better things to do than make people into assholes! People are _already_ assholes! I just made it more obvious which ones were worst."

She took a long drink before capping the bottle and gesturing around her, screaming up the stairs.

"Do you hear that, Haven? That's right! I didn't make you monsters! You made yourselves monsters! I'm not taking the blame because Wade was a murderous son of a bitch! Duke Crocker is a _good man_! I'm sorry if you morons don't get that."

Her hand splashed back into the water, the glowing Maze a bright fire on her wrist. She slipped twice, but finally made it upright, wiping the excess bubbles from her skin. Mara's head spun as she removed the stopper from the tub and she made a halfhearted attempt at drying herself off before grabbing the bottle and walking around her prison. She could easily just leave, but there was nowhere any more interesting to go. Duke still needed to be repaired and everyone else bored her.

But she didn't want to sleep on a chair. She didn't want to wear the clothes they gave her or sit where they told her or just exist on their schedule. She was an adult, a living, thinking person. Not a _pet_. She grabbed her towel, and just because she could, she laid it out several feet away from where she was supposed to be chained.

They needed a reminder. Mara was not some docile bitch to be kenneled like a stray dog. She had lived here longer than any of them. Just because she stayed, it didn't make her their prisoner.

Her town, her rules.

She laid the towel out and stretched, taking another drink before she laid out on the towel, still unabashedly nude. She stretched her arms over her head and pointed her toes, staring up at the ceiling.

"If the devil could make people do things, do you know what she would do?"

_"Would she punish the people who locked her up and sent her brother away when he tried to save her?"_

"No, Alice. Nothing so pedestrian and mundane and _human_ as that. You guys have to promise to keep it secret though. If they found out what I wanted they'd just find a way to use it against me. Humans are cruel and hurtful. I can't help that I love them, but I'm not one of them." She raised her legs so her feet were pointed at the ceiling and eyed her toes.

"I would make them treat me like they treat _her_. They bring her coffee and smile at her. They stroke her hair and walk with their hands touching the small of her back. They hug her and kiss her and pine for her, staring like lovesick puppy dogs. I would have them give me my Aether so I could fix Duke. I hate feeling powerless. The only thing I want from this place I can't have. They ask me nothing, they know nothing about me, but they pretend that they know what motivates me. They hate that I exist, that Audrey isn't the core. Audrey is an infant. A baby. Born days before she came to Haven."

_"What else would you do, Mara?"_

She groaned and took another drink. "I would find more Aether to fix Audrey. Like I said, she's a child. It's not really her fault that they treat me this way. She's afraid of me, and that's funny because it was _my body_. Audrey didn't suffer for almost a thousand years. Audrey wasn't locked in that barn over half her life. Audrey's cherished because Nathan can feel her- oops, _could_ feel her. I got a good close look at that body and I know, I know he can't feel her now. I know what she's missing, and she's gonna get sicker and sicker. Nathan can only feel _me_ , now."

_"But she got that new body, she's all cut off from you now and safe, isn't she?"_

"Oh Grace, that's what _they_ think. But that Trouble was meant for human bodies. I'm not human, am I?"

_"Well if you're not human, what are you?"_

_"_ She's bio-identical to me, Rose. That makes her Omni Sapiens, not Homo Sapiens. Bio-identical except for one thing. Humans and most Omni's are like 90% water, did you know that? But because I'm a freak, instead of being 90% water, I'm 80% Aether, 10% water and the rest of me is person. Audrey can't live with water where her Aether belongs. She'll fade and fade, and she'll die. I don't want that. Not another dead child. I'm surrounded by those. I want her to live, Rose. But I can't just tell them, they'll never believe me.

"It's funny, I've had so much faith and trust in them. So much. I believed they would help me. Find a way to free me. But no matter how I screamed or what I said, Audrey refused to tell them she heard me. If she wasn't so young, I would think she was just trying to be cruel. But she's being a hypocrite because she's scared. She told Jennifer that she's not a freak for hearing voices, but when Audrey hears voices, does she tell? No. She hides it and tries to keep William silent."

She screamed, a deep, cleansing, primal scream that came from her toes.

_"Why are you screaming?"_

"Because, Margaret. It makes me feel better. Because I _can_. Around them I always have to hide. It's like what I told Duke. I don't care if they lie about me all day long. I don't care if they want to blame me for everything. They weren't there. I was. But when they start picking at the scabs covering something true, it hurts me. If I went to them right now, if I told them how Audrey was sick, if I told them exactly how to heal her, they would think it was a trick. So I have to wait, wait for them to come to me. But only Duke talks to me. And he hates me. Despite everything we went through, he forgot me and he still just loves Audrey."

_"What do you mean about going through things?"_

"Oh Lillian. I visited his dreams for years. So, so often. I loved him and I couldn't stay away. First as Lucy, but then as me, just me. I was the first woman he touched. Sure, it was a dream for him. But it was real for me. So real and after, after he woke up and I was alone in that awful back room, I cried. Nobody had ever touched me like that." Her eyes slipped closed as she lost herself in the memory. "I could still feel him inside me. I was always with him. First I stayed with him at night after Simon died. I was with him the nights before he married that wretched woman. He made love to _me_ the night he got married."

_"But Mara, isn't that cheating?"_

"Nope!" She took a swig from the bottle. "Because he was dreaming, and humans like to pretend they have no control over their dreams. I was making love to the man I cherished more than anything. He was having a wet dream about the woman who used to babysit him. I've been itching to touch him since I came back, but worse since he tore Audrey out. At least he loved Audrey, so he loved a part of me. Now he just looks at me with that mix of curiosity and disgust, the way Momma looks at me in the Barn. It hurts me."

" _What if you just told him? Explained everything?"_

"You're smarter than that, Florence. He'd think every word was a lie."

Suddenly tears were falling, and before she knew it, Mara was sobbing like a heartbroken child.

"Momma was right. Nobody can ever love me. I'm too used up. I'm garbage now. Barely even useful for scientific research. William is gone, they'll never listen to me about Audrey. The Barn died, do you know what that means? Momma will get the alarm and she'll come. She'll come to find me and they'll hand me over to get rid of me. Maybe she'll try to convince them she can heal Audrey. Everyone loves Audrey, and they won't hesitate to hand me over if it could save Audrey. Audrey, Audrey, Audrey. They don't know Momma doesn't understand Troubles, that Aether will never, ever work with her."

_"You could run, Mara. Put Haven in the rear view and floor it. You could get work anywhere. I know at least five different bars who would hire you."_

"No, Lexie. I can't. If I do, Momma will still come. Audrey will die. I can't run. I have responsibilities. If Audrey and Duke can live and be free... if I can get them to let me heal Audrey and Duke at least, then I'll go back in my cage. She'll plant children in me and rip them out just like before. How many am I up to, now? How many almost-lives began and ended because of me? The most sacred thing on our world, and I'm responsible for the extermination of dozens, maybe hundreds." She laughed, but the sound was eerie, harsh and humorless, ashamed and furious. "A few of those little drawers are even Duke's. At least _some_ part of him accepted me."

Mara drained the rest of the second bottle, leaving it on the floor. It was cold down here, surrounded by a prison of metal walls. Her bones ached. She wondered what Duke would do if she came to his dreams now. If she acted like Audrey, maybe he would hold her. He'd think he was dreaming of Audrey, and Mara could pretend he gave a damn about _her_.

Closing her eyes, Mara imagined coming into Duke's dream, being welcomed with loving arms. No dirty looks. No accusations. He would kiss her, and she would wrap her arms around his neck, pressing herself against him. She pretended her hands were Duke's, one sliding up her body to rub a nipple.

She imagined him speaking. Saying she was beautiful. She would pull his shirt off and he would strip her, touching her slowly. She felt _his_ fingers, not her own as she stroked across her belly and up her hips, hands cupping her breasts. She imagined his hand sliding down, down. Touching Mara, fingernails scraping over her hips before his fingers were on her. She gasped and moaned as his fingers pressed into her.

He looked so beautiful. Brooding and strong, wanting her as much as she wanted him. Eyes tightly closed, she panted, shivering under his hands. A sharp cry left her as his thumb rubbed against her clit, his fingers still moving inside her.

Her breath was coming faster and her muscles were tight. Duke kissed her, said her name, and she cried out, coming around his fingers and calling his name.

When Mara's eyes opened, she was so cold. Naked in the hold of a boat, the chains that he'd left wrapped around her sitting on the floor. She was alone, naked and without any blanket except her damp towel. She had just touched herself imagining an impossible scenario.

She was pathetic.

She was weak.

She was _stupid_.

She curled on her side, cold and ashamed, full of self-loathing. She would never be a person to any of them. They would never see her as anything but a threat to Audrey, the monster who cursed their town.

They weren't interested in meeting the girl who named the town. They didn't want to hear ancient stories of lives she'd saved. Nathan could never accept the fact that he wouldn't even exist if not for her. That his family tree would have ended with another hanging or drowning or pale, slit wrists.

She was blinded with tears, the only sounds were the creaking of the ship, the storm outside and her own wretched sobbing. Mara wanted. Just wanted. She couldn't even say exactly what- A blanket? Her freedom? Her dignity? Strong, warm arms connected to a body that loved her? She wanted to feel the way she used to.

Choking on her own tears, Mara shouted at the ceiling again.

"It's not my fault! I was a good person! I did everything asked of me, even when I got loose I stayed! Do you people honestly think this is the only time I've gotten free? You think Audrey's that much weaker than all the other personalities? Give her some credit! I've been loose! Your moronic books don't cover that, do they? They don't bother telling about the time there was a little boy who was getting hurt by his daddy. Who was being touched in ways no child should be touched. Those books don't talk about the people finding _her_ name, searching her out so they could pull her up, away from Lucy because Lucy didn't know how to use the Aether!

"They don't talk about Garland begging me to save his son from the horrible nightmares, to change his memory so he wouldn't have to remember all the awful things his daddy did to him. They don't say how Garland hugged me and kissed my cheek and thanked me. My cheek! Not Lucy's! Lucy didn't save Nathan. _Mara_ saved Nathan. And tiny little Nathan sat in my lap and hugged me, and he said his very first words _to me_! He said 'Thank you' and Garland cried, he cried and he hugged me so hard my back cracked.

"Where are _those_ journals, huh? They exist, I saw them myself, but since Vince and Dave don't have them, they don't exist to these people. I could show them where they are! Garland told me _everything_. He trusted me more than anyone! Nathan, he never asked how he got my ring, no. But I gave it! When I was me, I gave it to Garland and begged him to give it to Nathan so part of us would stay together! Nathan wears that ring on a chain, every single day, but he thinks of Audrey, Audrey, Audrey.

"Well guess what? Audrey still _has_ her ring! So he carries my ring on a chain 'round his neck, over his heart, because _I'm the one who birthed his son!_ "

Mara rolled on her towel, holding her aching head. She could leave. She _should_ leave, teach them all a lesson. She didn't have to go far. Just far enough to scare them when they came looking. But her head was aching and her bones were chilled.

"I was here protecting your sorry, ungrateful asses before you ever, ever even knew Audrey wasn't right. You knew she wasn't what she was supposed to be, you knew! But not one of you ever asked who was stuck underneath! You never cared, not until it affected _her_. You didn't care when the real Audrey Parker lost her memories to keep this Audrey's secrets. You knew she wasn't original! So tell me why she had more right to live than me! Why did she deserve to keep my body?"

The angry, burning tears were streaking her face and she wiped her face with her towel as she sat up, bringing her knees to her chest and crossing her ankles as she leaned against the cold steel wall. Nude and cold, she scrubbed the tears from her face. They didn't care. They wouldn't care if she produced Garland's journal from behind Nathan's ear. They liked the books that painted her as a monster. None of the books said her name, but she was female and not human, and that was enough. She heard those early words again, the words she'd started hearing when Daddy gave her her hearing.

"Freak. Misfit. Dangerous. Unpredictable."

They all thought they'd be happier and safer without her.

Hurting, sad and alone, Mara opened her mouth and sang. She sang with her whole being, body and spirit in unison and even before the crescendo her voice filled the hold, warm like bourbon and echoing like waves from a skipped stone.

_Well I've heard there was a secret chord_

_That David played and it pleased the Lord_

_But you don't really care for music, do you?_

_Well it goes like this:_

_The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift_

_The baffled king composing Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Well your faith was strong but you needed proof_

_You saw her bathing on the roof_

_Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you_

_She tied you to her kitchen chair_

_And she broke your throne and she cut your hair_

_And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_But baby I've been here before_

_I've seen this room and I've walked this floor_

_You know, I used to live alone before I knew you_

_And I've seen your flag on the marble arch_

_And love is not a victory march_

_It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Well there was a time when you let me know_

_What's really going on below_

_But now you never show that to me do you_

_But remember when I moved in you_

_And the holy dove was moving too_

_And every breath we drew was Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Maybe there's a God above_

_But all I've ever learned from love_

_Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you_

_And it's not a cry that you hear at night_

_It's not somebody who's seen the light_

_It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_

Her voice trailed off and she closed her eyes, trying to force the storm under control. She walked around, cleaning up the empty bottles and the things Duke had knocked to the floor during his tantrum. As she cleaned, Mara started talking to herself again.

_"Gosh, Mara, you've been doing some kind of weird things tonight. How do you do that stuff?"_

"Funny story, Genevieve. Remember how I told you guys that nobody asked me questions? Since nobody asked, I had no reason to tell then that Aether isn't my only toy." She started with the sign language again, looking behind the box and finding half a fifth of whiskey. It would do. She took a drink and put the bottle down next to her papers. "Remember I told you I was born wrong? Daddy called it 'special' but Momma made sure I knew the science. That I knew it was wrong. A mutation. A defect. An extra chromosome. Isn't that funny? A chromosome that didn't belong made me a person who didn't belong.

"Anyway," her hands flew unconsciously as she spoke, not even translating but speaking simultaneously, "That makes me do lots of things. I can manipulate all manner of natural elements from plants to Aether and steel. See, I could still use Aether even before Daddy made me well. But I was weaker. I can make storms like this one we're having right now. And it can bring me things."

_"How do you do that, Mara?"_

"Well, it's kind of the way I got the other bottle of bourbon, Mabel. They call it telekinesis, but I can do it different that other people. Like, I can just move the bottle over, but if there's something I really want that's farther away? That's different. I have to give up a part of myself unless I have Aether. I need Aether to power the ability, but I have no orbs. So what's the nearest available source of Aether?"

_"Do you eat Troubled babies? Is that how you get it?"_

"Evelyn, you're so funny. No, the nearest source is _me_. I'm made mostly of Aether." Mara took another long drink and started searching her dungeon.

She had booze. There was her towel. She could tear it in strips. She needed a needle and thread or something very hot. She continued to search, finally finding the items that proved this was the best course of action.

A pocket knife and bolt cutters.

_"Mara, sit down, let's think of a better idea."_

Ignoring the voice, Mara sat, tearing her towel into strips which she set on the table before letting fire flow from her fingers over the blade. She drank as much as she could hold, taking a moment to splash a bit over the bolt cutters.

She'd been throwing her power around all evening, a little more couldn't hurt. She could get at least a few of her things and it would be good to stretch.

She sat up in her chair, posture straight and focus centered. What did she want most?

Garland's journal.

The dagger William gave her.

Better clothes.

More bourbon.

 _Her Aether_.

Get one, get them all. To be free, one must give up a little part of one's self.


	2. Paint it Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, This is not sweet or fluffy. People are not sweet and fluffy. If everyone started out as good buddies, there would be no room for character development.
> 
> There is violence and coarse language in this chapter. Mara is not a fluffy bunny, she is tooth and claw.
> 
> Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones. Again, if you're unfamiliar, you're too young to read this.

Mara'd been keeping secrets, of course she had- you never show all your cards at once- but she had wanted to get them to give her the Aether. She wanted them to ask for help because again, nobody would believe the truth. Stealing the Aether placed her squarely on a path that she would have to commit to, and she hated the path.

Once she had the Aether, she wouldn't be able to slow-play this game anymore. She knew herself too well. The second Duke or Blondie started looking at all ill, Mara would break and she'd heal them. Once she did that, they wouldn't need her anymore. Either they'd try to kill her or give her to the Guard. Both were unacceptable. She'd have to hide. To really hide, because her mother would come looking. But she still couldn't actually leave. They needed her protection.

She could steal the Aether and hide it, at least until they started getting obviously sick. That gave her a short grace period.

Nodding to herself, Mara checked that the blade was red hot, shoved a wad of torn towel in her mouth and grabbed the bolt cutters. In one sharp movement she cut her toe off and shoved the red-hot blade against the wound, cauterizing it. The smell of cooked flesh made her stomach twist. Forcing down the shaking, Mara spit the towel out and picked up the toe, waiting for it to turn, burning away the bits of person that were in it and leaving her a single, perfect orb. Letting it sit on her papers, Mara bound the wound, wrapping several layers over it and tying it off securely. Through the whole thing, she never made a sound.

Nauseated, pale and shaking, Mara bound her Intent to the orb in her hand. If it could do nothing else, it must bring her the Aether. If it could happen to bring Garland's journal with it, she'd be grateful, but nothing was more important than her Aether. She activated and released the orb, taking a swig.

She had to find a hiding place, one that Duke would never check. Something he didn't even know existed. Those were in very short supply. So she would have to make what she wanted.

Her eyes traveled the room, looking for anywhere that she could- bingo.

There was a length of copper piping running along one corner. She left it capped but extended it just a few inches, nothing anyone would notice, and shaped a capped tube that she could hide inside.

At least she hadn't lost her edge. She may be pathetic, but she was still smart.

The orb came back holding her container of precious Aether just a few minutes later, and Mara could almost feel the euphoria of using it as she gazed rapturously at the brilliant, sparkling fire.

It was like Christmas had come early- it had brought her Garland's journal, too.

She knew what normal people saw when they looked at Aether. Dusty black balls. But it had never looked like that to Mara. To her, the Aether swirled with dancing color, the pulse of life and possibility radiating from the orbs in waves. It knew people, it knew their deepest hearts and it chose who could use it. If you weren't born with the ability, you weren't going to get the ability, not in any meaningful way.

She had even tried giving the ability once, but the second she gathered the Intent, the Aether went from clinging to her hand excitedly to curling into a dormant orb. She hadn't tried to force it, and so Mara was punished. She seemed to bring that out in a lot of people.

Her foot was throbbing, so she crossed her ankles on the other chair after she hid her Aether, naked and relaxed and drinking when there was loud thumping from above and Duke walked back into her prison with a tray. He put it down before he looked at her and she almost smiled when he turned. His face itself didn't change expression any more than hers did, but Mara lived for details. She saw his pupils dilate with lust. She wasn't even trying to cover anything, ankles crossed on the chair in front of her and the hand that held the bottle gesturing at him while she took a drink.

"Dinner. You've still got to eat."

One of her least favorite times of the day. Meals. Invariably what he though Audrey would like, and never anything Mara would eat herself. Not that she'd lower herself to telling them that she was vegetarian.

His gaze still hadn't left her though and she looked thoughtfully at him, wondering what had finally caught his attention. She drank again, offering him the bottle.

Mara was surprised when he took it, not even looking away as he took several deep swallows of the amber fire. She didn't drop her gaze as she asked, "And what type of road kill is on the menu tonight, warden?"

He looked like she'd answered some kind of question, the shadow of a smile touching his lips for a moment as he spoke. "Mushroom soup, Mara."

She sat a little straighter but tried to hide her enthusiasm. He'd barely ever said her name without having to. "Thanks." She blushed when she realized she'd said it but stretched her arms over her head to draw attention from her face.

Duke did smile this time. "You become a nudist since this afternoon?"

She shrugged and stood, stretching her arms backwards now. "No. I took a bath and didn't want to wear old clothes."

"You have clean clothes on that crate right there, I told you that when I put them there."

"Fine then. I took a bath and didn't want to wear any clothes. I choose the right to be nude."

"That's totally up to you, I just thought it might be a little cold for you."

"You're a terrible liar. You're just thinking about how the cold would affect you. I have nothing to hide."

Duke just smiled, and Mara was starting to get irritated. She wanted a fight. She wanted to feel alive. She didn't want to be treated like some de-fanged pet viper, being thrown mice like pity offerings. She wanted prey.

She wanted to hunt. She wanted to employ tooth and claw and she wanted the physical pain of a strike.

But Duke wasn't as easy to get to as Nathan. He rarely showed the soft underbelly, the things that could actually stir him to wrath. If he wouldn't give her something to work with, she'd have to push a button she'd planted herself.

But she'd rather not do that. She had so few sweet memories with him, she didn't want to sully one of the few she had. She'd consider as long as she could buy time.

"You eating in here tonight?"

"I thought you might be tired of always eating alone."

"Yeah, it sucks not being invited to sit with the cool kids."

He flat out smirked that time, putting the two place settings out as she sat across from him. He glanced dryly at her chains, picking up the metal sculpture that had dried around Mara's foot. She wonder if it would be worth something now that she was down a toe, if that would make it a collector's item. She should sign it and give it to Duke. She refused to limp or show any trace of pain as she went back to her seat. "You can have that. It could be a candle holder. Might be worth money one day."

"Yeah, well I didn't know you were so artistic or maybe I'd have left you some clay."

"Clay would be nice, I find underwater basket-weaving incredibly tiresome."

They sat across from each other and Mara tried to enjoy being drunk without showing Duke how drunk she was. She took a bite of the soup and had to restrain herself from scarfing it down, fighting to look like it bored her as much as everything else. But she was so hungry. She hadn't eaten any of the garbage they'd tried to feed her yet, subsisting on the oatmeal she got in the morning and the vegetables that were served with her meals.

"So what did you do with your afternoon?"

"I do have a business to run."

"Oh, did the cook at the Gull make this? You should give him a raise. Everything else I've had has been abysmal."

Duke raised his eyebrow. "I'm glad you like it, I made it myself."

Tonight was just not her night. Even her insults were coming out as compliments. She stared at him as she ate- every bite for the first time since they'd locked her up- and wondered how she could regain the upper hand. Or get more food, either would do.

She stacked their dishes and put them on the tray in a corner, flaunting the lack of chains and swaying her hips as she walked. She took another drink from the bottle before she walked away from their makeshift table, purposely brushing against Duke's body as she did.

Her foot was aching but worse was the desire to be touched. Mara left her hair down and came to sit close in front of Duke so they could share the bottle.

"I see you found my emergency stash."

"I did. One of them, anyway. A man like you, you've got to have at least four emergency stashes."

Duke looked Mara up and down like she was fascinating- some puzzle that he hadn't managed to crack yet. She passed him the bottle again.

Duke leaned back in his chair. "And what did you do tonight, besides bathe and melt things?"

Mara smirked. "Oh, you know. Broke my nail cursing someone. Nothing new."

Duke smirked. "So, just general misery and mayhem?"

Shrugging, Mara took a drink and crossed her ankles.

"It's better than decoupage or scrapbooking, Duke." She loved saying his name, but she hated it at the same time. It made her skin tingle, made the thought of Duke that surrounded her feel tangible. Sitting here, so close to him, it felt like sitting next to a bonfire. She was tempted to hold her hands over him to warm up. She scooted closer, fascinated that he could generate so much warmth. Like the snake they thought her to be, she wanted to curl up on him. She moved her hand to rest on his leg, curious when he didn't react.

"Well, I can't really argue that. Might do you both good to take up more diverse hobbies, though."

"I'm always up for learning new things, but I doubt you'll find Nathan as... adventurous as I am." Her hand slid up Duke's thigh an inch.

Duke took the bottle, drinking slowly as he studied her. He was so beautiful it stole her breath and her hand squeezed a bit.

They stared at each other and Mara's heart was flying, beating too fast. It was like he was a magnet, she found herself moving forward against her will- though she wasn't really fighting it much- and touched her lips to Duke's, her hand winding around the back of his neck and into his hair.

Gloriously alive, he kissed her back and his taste- like bourbon and vanilla beans, was addictive. Mewling in her throat, Mara scooted into his lap, both hands in his hair. The feel of his facial hair on her face made her groan, pressing into him and kissing harder, deeper. They kissed for several long minutes when his hands came up to her waist. Her breath stuttered and she thought her heart would burst from his chest, but when his hands tightened, he pushed her off his lap, planting her squarely in her own chair.

And he just stared at her, taking another drink. He looked utterly unaffected.

The alcohol was coursing through her, making her want to talk too much. Making her want to touch. If she could get Duke into the _touching_ then she wouldn't think of the talking.

She shook her hair back, staring at Duke's lips. Violence or sex, sex or violence- she needed something and she was willing to push to get it.

"Don't you ever get tired of playing the good warden? So pure and untouchable? Wouldn't you, just once, like to see what it felt like to be the bad warden?"

She slid her chair closer to his, touching his thigh again. "Don't you want to know, just out of curiosity, what if feels like to take this body? I know you've thought about it. Dreamed about it. I won't tell, it can be our secret."

Duke was the picture of amused ease. "That's where you're wrong, sweetheart. It was never about the body. It was the woman inside the body."

Oh, that stung. Not that she'd let him know it. She smiled lazily. "That's what makes it so interesting. See, I _am_ the woman inside the body. The others, they lived on the outside, like clothes or masks. No, I'm the one inside. The one who gave you that locket." She leaned close and dropped her voice. "I'm the one who kissed you in Colorado." She smiled, still in his personal space. "It was me and you know it was me. You've always been able to tell us apart, haven't you, Crocker?"

Finally, a reaction. Not verbal, he stayed silent. But the tic in his jaw, the vein in his temple, that slight flare around his nostrils- she knew these motions, knew what they meant and why he made them.

Drunk and desperate but still in control, Mara turned her face toward him and purposely changed her voice and posture to look like Audrey. "I can be her. I can show you what it would have been like, since you're curious."

She felt his jerk, heard the harsh inhale that said she was affecting him but not how much. She only had one thing left that might catch his attention, although it would force her to offer a sweet, cherished memory of her own. So how badly did she need _sightsoundsmelltaste touch_? Was she desperate enough to offer a memory, knowing he might sully it?

She'd probably be dead or caged again soon anyway. Might as well try now. She had to swallow before her voice changed completely, the sneering, scornful edge gone, her real voice sweet as warm honey, dark and rich with age and secrets. "Or you can relive a different moment, Duke. The first time you ever touched a woman. The night before your wedding. The night you got married. The night I asked you to come home. The night I begged you to remember. The night you _forgot._ "

Duke's head whipped around to stare at her, his eyes wide and disbelieving. Mara's expression didn't change at all, just staring as he met her eyes. "Oh yes, Duke. I remember them all. The grudge fucks and the making love. _I'm_ the thing in your life that doesn't change."

"No."

He was getting angry. That would be good for her either way. "Oh yes. The night before you married Evi, I came to beg you to call it off. You were so angry. Asked why I cared at all if I didn't care enough to come for you. I slapped you. Do you remember that?"

He nodded silently.

"And what did you do, Duke? _What did you do?_ "

His whole torso twisted, grabbing Mara and jerking her against him, his hands like iron bars around her arms. He yanked her into his lap, twisting one hand into her hair to hold her in place while he kissed her, his left hand never letting go of her wrist. He stood, pushing her back against the crates until he could lift her, pushing her back to lie down, holding her right wrist down as he opened his jeans and pushed them down out of his way. He hooked his hand under her left knee, yanking it up higher as he pressed against her.

"Is this it, Mara? Is this what you want?"

His face was red, his eyes black as Aether, and Mara screamed as she answered.

"Yes!"

Duke pushed into her and they both gasped. Mara's chest was tight with an emotion she didn't understand. Her legs tightened around Duke and finally, finally she was feeling something. But in her drunken haze she had forgotten she was in the grip of the hypersensitivity and she was out of control- hurting and wanting and needing all at once.

"Please!" Mara shouted. "Duke please!"

He slowed, pulling almost all the way out just to push back in, watching her hair move against the wood of the crate. "What, Mara? What do you want?"

"Harder!" She gripped at him as he increased the speed and force of each thrust, a punishing rhythm that made her teeth rattle. She still had one arm free, and she clutched him to her, trying to feel as much as possible, her hand fisted in his shirt.

Her back arched and Duke pushed deep, making her cry out wordlessly. Every movement was carefully orchestrated, yet they did it without thinking. This is what had happened the night Lucy had told Duke not to marry Evi. He had taken her under the moonlight, forcing her to admit the truth- that she didn't want him with Evi because she wanted him for herself.

He was strong and aggressive and built for stamina, and part of her, a part that was very much in control tonight needed to release that control. She needed to trust someone else to be stronger than her for just a little while. So Duke held her leg and her wrist as he ground into her over and over. "Say it, damnit." He drove harder and she shouted.

"Say what?"

"You know what! Say it!"

He pulled her leg higher and changed his angle, making her stutter and shout with every thrust. She screamed, the hypersensitivity drowning everything else out. The hitch of his voice, the quiet moan in his chest even as he shouted at her, the slap of their skin; the pain and pleasure and feeling hiding anything else as he fucked her, hard, against a stack of crates.

She couldn't hold it back anymore, tears coursed down into her hairline. Past, present and future collided on a stack of crates in the cargo hold of the Cape Rouge and Mara screamed four words, four words that repeated throughout her life, through every incarnation and every free period. Every time she had willingly gone back into slavery it had been uttering the same four words.

" _Because I love you._ "

Duke came with a groan and a sob, releasing her wrist and wrapping his arms around her.

Mara's heart pounded like a freight train. She had said the words, the words that gave him power over her, and she was afraid. She didn't handle fear well. It made her want to bite and snap and sink her claws in so nobody would see her soft spot.

But she had heard Duke cry. Maybe he would let her in. She was silent with her arms around him, and she moved to kiss his head.

The moment that kiss landed, though, Duke jerked away, pulling out of her body, leaving her cold and sore, sprawled on the crates. He barely glanced at her, his expression distant and, if she was honest, unimpressed. He yanked his pants up, grabbed the tray with the bowls and looked her up and down, shaking his head in what looked like disgust.

And he left the room without a word.

She pushed herself up, pulling on her clothes and brushing her hair. She wasn't going to show any emotion. She certainly wouldn't cry.

At least he'd left the bottle.

She grabbed it and drank, sitting on the ground with her knees bent up, holding Garland's journal in her lap.

Duke thought he could hurt her by making her feel worthless. Idiot. She'd felt worthless at birth and it had only gone downhill since then. Charlotte had recorded every session. Men who were willing, men who were drugged, men who believed they were dreaming. Over and over. The men who had been used unwillingly had always had their memories altered. Many she didn't know at all, but after she'd conceived James with Nathan, she'd had to see him, eyes absent, thinking he was dreaming.

Mara chugged, staring at a wall as she sat curled up. The Maze on her wrist glowed and she used the blank wall as a screen, projecting the memories. He thought he could hurt her by treating her like a whore. She had desensitization therapy for that.

She let some of the older ones play first. The ones from when she was still young and relatively innocent. The ones that made Mara hate herself because of the tears. The sound played quietly.

She continued to drink as the days and years passed, different names and faces, but always Mara in the Barn. Then Sarah happened.

Oh, her mother had been so angry when Mara came back, her test results showing she'd had a child. Mara wouldn't tell though, wouldn't tell anything, and James had stayed safe. Then the faces in the videos changed. People that Charlotte thought were possible matches. Vince and Dave mostly- like everyone in Haven, Charlotte assumed that one of her two best friends had knocked her up.

Then Lucy. Things had gotten more interesting then. More faces that she knew. Driscoll twice, Garland twice. Simon. Max.

The ones that had taken, Charlotte had made dedicated files on, removing the children just before they could survive outside the womb. Their tiny bodies rested in drawers in her mother's lab, perfectly preserved.

Nathan. So many times Charlotte had used Nathan, drugging him, making him think he was dreaming. And Mara had cared too much about him to turn sweet dreams into nightmares. For him, they were mystical signs that he belonged with Audrey, that they were his soul connecting with hers before he ever met her in person.

Before she existed, really. But Nathan didn't know and she had no reason to hurt him.

Mara went through the recordings from Duke slowly. He'd call her Lucy, usually. Occasionally she'd flip to one of the times she'd gone to his dreams, studying the way he looked when he was happy, the way his hands traveled over her skin. Then she'd play one of the other recordings, stupid, foolish girl holding her arms out for him, whispering loving words to him. She had always looked after him, and the first time a procedure took, she let the confrontation play as she drank, dulling the ache in her chest and her foot.

She had wanted to keep that baby. She had fought- thrashing, kicking, hitting. She'd stabbed her mother in the arm with a scalpel. In retribution, Charlotte hadn't put her to sleep, issuing only a paralytic so that Mara was awake to hear the gurgles, the attempt to cry. She heard his last shallow breath, unable to touch him or talk to him or comfort him in his last hour.

Three more of Duke before they replaced Mara with Audrey, and the last one, Momma had been away on business. Something, gods only knew what, had delayed her. Mara gave birth alone in a cold, sterile room that smelled of antiseptic. She held that child, seen that the girl was gifted, even nursed her.

When Mara called, William came. William always came, even when he was pretending to work for their mother. Mara had begged and pleaded, crying until William caved, wrapping the baby up, giving Mara enough Aether to put her in stasis and then hiding her the only place their mother couldn't search- the Void.

That baby was still safe, somewhere. One day she'd be free to go after her, to hold her and raise her and give her all the love she'd been holding in reserve. It was true- no human could love her, but her baby would. She kept the tiny face blown up on the wall. Curly black hair, one blue eye and one silver.

Mara had taken their insults; their accusations and recriminations, never bothering to correct their misconceptions because they'd never believe. Mara had been trying to get to the Void for just two things. Enough Aether to save Audrey and Duke, and the chance to find her child, the one she hadn't failed. But she'd been locked out when they banished her, and now she couldn't get in even if she got her freedom.

She shoved her sleeves up and drained the bottle, watching that sweet face that looked so much like Duke as she melted the bottle in her hands, carefully forming a miniature Rouge. When it was done, she put it on top of a crate. She left the Maze showing. She should leave. Take her things and hide until the others got sick and asked for help. After that, she'd decide what came next. Go find her baby and kill her mother- not necessarily in that order.

She was staring at those lovely wide eyes when she heard it. She was obviously too drunk, she never let people sneak up on her.

"Who's that?"

The Maze on her wrist lit brightly, but Mara just muttered, "Nobody important to you."

"How many times, Mara?"

"How many times what? You'll have to be more specific."

"How many times did you give birth?"

"Birth or live birth? Most were taken before they could breathe. Alive enough to hear? Maybe seven. That survived? Just her and James. Since James is gone, just her."

"How many times did that happen?"

"The sex? I don't know. I was sedated sometimes. What's it matter?"

"It just does."

Her laugh was harsh and bitter. "Don't worry about it. You're not the first person to leave me like that. Not the first to look at me like that. I know what I am."

Duke's voice was quiet and remote. "Whose is she?"

Mara didn't spare him a glance. "Mine."

"I mean, who is her _father_?"

"Biologically? You." He'd been expecting it- you couldn't see that silver eye and black hair and not think of Duke- but it still looked like he'd been hit in the stomach.

"How?"

Mara raised an eyebrow at him. "Seriously? You wouldn't believe me. None of you would. I'm not human and you hate me. I wasn't about to tell you. Whores don't come up to you on the street and ask if you remember them, Crocker. Take a good fucking look!" Mara zipped back to the beginning, speeding through each session, leaving it impossible to count. When the picture disappeared, Duke's voice was cold.

"Some of those looked like people I know."

"Because they are. Vince and Dave, Max and your father, Garland and the Rev. You and Nathan."

"Why?"

"She wants to learn. My mother wants to know what makes me different and she thinks the answer lies in how I reproduce. Who can get me pregnant."

"Who got you pregnant?" She stared at him for a long moment, trying to decide if he was being purposely cruel.

"I don't know all their names. You, Nathan, Dave, Max, Simon. Why do you care?"

"Because I don't remember sleeping with you!"

They were raising their voices, and Mara was hoping maybe she'd get that fight after all.

"You didn't sleep with me! You fucked me. Nobody ever _slept_ with me. She drugged you, if you'd remembered anything at all you'd have thought it was a dream."

"You said that's my kid out there!"

"You were drugged, Duke. You're not responsible for her and I don't want anything from you."

"Mara..."

"Don't look at me like that. Don't pity me. You know what I am. I'm surprised you didn't just throw a $5 bill on me before you walked out."

"I never said that."

"Didn't have to. How long were you there?"

"Awhile. I heard when you asked William to take her. You left her in the Void?"

"It was better than the alternative."

"How? How is tossing a baby into the Void better than anything?"

She had to fight not to scream. "You wanna see? Let me show you."

She brought the first session with Duke out, let the fight and stabbing and the sounds of her son dying play through the room. Her breath was furious and she was glaring. "The stasis gives her a chance to live one day. She can't be hurt and my mother can't touch her. So hell yes the Void is better."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I said the earth is round."

They were both silent, Mara's hands in fists at her sides, her spine straight, vibrating with anger.

Finally, trying to scrape together what self-esteem she had left, Mara spoke without emotion.

"You wanted to hurt me. You wanted to embarrass me. You wanted me to feel cheap because you were pissed at me. You're not the first."

"That's not what I was trying to..."

"Oh yes it was. You wanted to teach me a lesson. You got me to say that I loved you, and then you left, looking at me like I was filth. Congratulations, Crocker. You wanted to hurt me? You did."

"That isn't what-"

"Don't you dare tell me that's not what happened!" Mara pointed at the wall again and the memory played. Loving words, a kiss, and him looking sick as he walked away.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I have that affect on a lot of people. It doesn't matter, I'm fine."

"I'm trying to apologize."

"You'll find Haven is a rather unforgiving place. I don't give a shit anyway. Unlike the rest of you, I don't lie about what I am. I know what I am." She waved her hand with a scowl, making the picture disappear from the wall.

"Where's your mother?"

"She'll be along soon, I'm sure. She'd have gotten a warning when Nathan killed the Barn."

"And she'd start over again?"

"She'll try."

Duke stared at the floor, deep in thought. "How can I help?"

Mara laughed, brushing close as she stood and walked around Duke. "Unless you want to go for round two, you can't."

"Damn it, Mara, I'm serious!"

She sat in her chair, arms crossed. "Bored now. Don't you have a business to run?"

He clenched his jaw like he was trying not to scream at her and shoved his hands through his hair. "Fuck it."

"I know, I know. I'm not worth it." Her smile was sharp and her voice held bitter laughter. Laughter, never tears.

Duke stomped up the stairs and out the door, and she heard him leave the ship.

She smiled darkly, moving quickly. She took her Aether, Garland's journal and the few outfits she possessed, sliding the container of Aether into her pocket and tying the rest in a shirt. She listened at her dungeon door, laughed when she found it locked.

As if that would stop her.

The lock melted under her hand and she pried the door open, moving quietly through the ship. She found a satchel for her things, stole a Grey Gull hat and took the cash from Duke's wallet- she had lifted it when she had brushed against him.

Grifting the grifter. Mara _loved_ symmetry.

She left the wallet itself on his counter and carefully left the boat, checking every step before she moved.

And then Mara ran.


	3. Ain't No Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No copyright infringement- honestly, they never did anything reasonable with Mara anyway.  
> 'Ain't No Sunshine' by Bill Withers

Mara was in good physical condition, despite the chronic shortage of food, and she knew how to cover distance. She was strong and durable, built for stamina. She stopped in a store, using Duke's money to get herself a cheap, pre-paid burner phone along the way. Several people smiled and greeted _Detective Parker_ , and each of them made her smile grow.

She needed more clothes. She had one way of getting them without breaking any _important_ laws.

Mara made a loop around town, keeping to back roads and jogging at a measured pace. She stopped, hiding behind a tree across from the _Gull_ as she pulled out her phone. She cleared her throat twice, keeping her eyes open as she called 911. When dispatch answered, she used the hushed, hysterical voice that had been hers once, before they'd burned the fear out of her.

"Oh god, please help! I was out walking my dog on the beach and I saw a man choking someone! He saw me, I think he's chasing me! Please, please, out in the woods behind the church- hurry,   he's-" Mara smacked a stick against the tree, groaned pitifully and hung up.

Less than three minutes later, Nathan and Audrey were running out the door and Mara smiled. They'd be chasing their tails for at least half the night.

Now she could do some shopping.

Ever vigilant, she watched the Bronco speed off before loping across the street, taking the stairs two at a time to avoid the creaky ones, keeping her weight balanced on the balls of her feet to stay silent. She had to melt the lock again- they'd whine about that- but then she was in and rushing for the 'bedroom'. She took the necessities- tank tops, jeans and pretty much everything of Lexie's. Mara paused for a moment before opening Audrey's biometric safe- not _all_ fingerprints were unique, it seemed- and she stuck the extra Glock in her waistband.

She took a quick look around and felt a pain in her chest when her eyes landed on a framed photo; Duke, Nathan and Audrey, smiling and laughing. She wasn't sure what made her do it, but she grabbed the frame, shoved it in her bag and peeked around outside before creeping down the stairs and walking calmly away. With her hair under the cap, anyone who saw her would assume she was Audrey.

Everyone except Duke, of course. As she'd pointed out, he could _always_ tell them apart.

Once she was across the street and hidden in the darkness, she started running again, headed for the one place in the world where she'd be safe. Spitting distance from the department, Mara crossed the back parking lot and jogged through the woods, stopping at a crazed sculpture of roots as wide as it was high. She felt the Aether respond to her, and when she put her hand on the roots, they parted, opening the gate. She closed it behind her and walked slowly, letting the feel of actual freedom seep into her body. She stopped halfway to the little stone cottage that was still standing, though the ivy and honeysuckle had grown to cover the walls and roof, and she took her shoes off.

The wound from her toe was swollen and had started bleeding. She'd have to cauterize it again. But the feeling of earth under her feet made it feel like someone had taken a great weight off her chest. Nobody could sneak up on her, nobody knew anything about this place.

There was no electricity out here- it was hidden and warded a thousand different ways, and Mara was certain that nobody had even set foot here since she had left it for the last time. She'd take a closer look in the morning, but the garden was entirely out of control. The well smelled clean, though, so she travelled the last few feet to the door, brow furrowed as she opened the puzzle lock that her friend- probably the only human who had ever truly loved her- had built into the door.

The smell that hit her when she walked in stole her breath, chest tight as memories tried to take over. But that Mara was gone, had been gone for centuries, and this Mara was not that same, weak girl. She didn't cry. She didn't _fear_.

This Mara had nothing left to lose.

She found her old candles, setting one in a hurricane lamp to give herself some light.

It had held up better than she thought. Even the dust wasn't very thick. No rodents or insects anywhere, and her cedar closet was still clean, the dresses inside fresh and soft. Everything had been soft then, when the hypersensitivity was at it's peak and everything hurt her. It still took over occasionally, but Mara liked to imagine herself as scar tissue. Tough, impenetrable. Maybe not _pretty_ and _loved_ but something built for survival.

She unpacked her bag, folding the clothes to rest on shelves in the cedar closet, keeping the knife, gun and phone out as she grabbed a rag, dusting off the rocking chair and sitting, carefully unwrapping her foot.

Too much running. She'd have to cauterize again. She'd get stupid if she lost too much blood.

Sighing, she flipped open the knife, letting the fire flow from her fingertips over the blade. She clenched her jaw and shoved the flat of the blade against the bleeding wound, holding it there as long as she could and putting the knife back down with shaking hands.

Trembling, she put her foot up on the table, rocking. She had no booze; an egregious oversight.

Picking up her phone, she called Duke.

"Hello?"

"Miss me, lover?"

There was dead silence for several seconds and she laughed. "Ouch, don't tell me you've forgotten me already... _again_. Mara, you know, from- oh, your whole life, really."

His voice was quiet and restrained. "What have you done?"

"Oh, not home yet? Pick up some milk. We're all out. You can call me later. I'll always answer for you, Duke. _Because I love you._ " She hung up with a shaky breath, deciding to see if her tub still worked. They hadn't had indoor plumbing back then, but she'd dug and tiled a trench from a freshwater spring, setting it to run through the fireplace, heating water as the bathtub filled. She'd cheated a little for the toilet, a bit of technology from home set up in the bathing room. It was better by far than an outhouse.

She limped outside to get wood, building a roaring fire to chase the chill of shock from her bones. When the trench was hot enough, she pulled the lever that let the water flow, the screens keeping dirt and debris from the water. As it filled, Mara looked through her drawers and cabinets, finding several bars of her own handmade soap, settling into the tub and leaving her mutilated foot to rest outside the water.

* * *

After his fight with Mara, after he'd almost _hit her_ , Duke considered going to the _Gull_ , but he didn't want to work and he _really_ didn't want to talk to anyone.

He really had nowhere else to go.

He pulled off the road and sat, trying to meditate and breathe and just stop feeling so fucking angry. He was furious, maybe more than he'd ever been in his life, and that was saying something.

It was one thing when he'd gotten the job of watching Mara. His place made the most sense, and he sure as hell didn't trust the Guard not to hurt her. He wanted to say it was just because they didn't know if she was connected to Audrey, but in truth the thought just pissed him off. You don't hit girls, no matter how pissed you are.

He'd almost hit her earlier. Usually her caustic attitude didn't bother him. It was one of the ways he could remind himself that Audrey was safe and free again.

But under all that scorn she had a way of saying exactly what he said in his own head, the thoughts he didn't talk about. Lack of respect. Wade's weakness. Most days it seemed like she understood him better than he understood himself, and he wondered what the hell that said about _him_.

So he'd almost hit her. It had been so, so close. But as he looked at her eyes a memory, something he had never even seen before, had popped into his head. Him, back when he'd been a kid. A woman had her arms crossed protectively over Duke's chest, holding him back against her body. She wasn't big or heavy, nowhere near the size of his dad, but Simon had been about to hit Duke and she moved faster than a snake, hovering over Duke and daring Simon to hit her. Hell, he could even hear her _voice_.

"You want to hit someone, Simon? You want to hit someone smaller than you so you can feel like a big, tough guy? Try me. I _dare_ you. Hit me, you goddamned coward!"

Lucy'd protected Duke. She told him to go, to run to the safe place- their secret code for Nathan's house- and pushed him at the door. He'd run out the door, but stood next to it, listening and afraid for Lucy. She was still trying to keep Simon distracted, to give Duke time to flee, but he couldn't just _leave_.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Simon? He's a little boy, and he's a good kid! You should be glad he speaks his mind, glad he's smart enough to question the 'Haven Party Line'. You should be thrilled that he's not a mindless sheep, like one of Driscoll's followers. But you treat him like shit and you fucking beat on him? No. That ends _today_. You won't hurt Duke again as long as I'm here. He deserves better. He's better than you, Simon. Next time you feel like hitting someone smaller than you, you come for _me_."

He'd remembered being shocked, and then grateful and excited and so fucking hopeful.

Then he heard the hit, fist striking flesh, the awful crack. He'd opened the door just a crack to see what was happening. It took Lucy a moment to straighten, one hand on her face, blood seeping through her fingers.

"You get _one_. One free hit, Simon. If you hit me again, you're going to cross a line you can't uncross."

But his dad hit her again, and then they were fighting, Lucy so fast, hitting and trying to go for the door, trying to get away. But Simon grabbed her hair- she always wore it loose then- and he was bigger and stronger and he threw her on the floor. She scrambled to get away but froze when she spotted Duke's eye staring at her.

That moment of hesitation was all Simon needed, and this time when Lucy screamed "go" Duke ran. He ran sobbing like a child all the way to Nate's house, banging on the front door. When Garland answered, Duke begged hysterically for him to come, the tears choking him until all he could say was "Lucy, my dad, hitting her".

Garland was already grabbing his gun and keys. "At the boat?"

Duke nodded, running after Garland. "Take me with you! I have to know she's okay!"

If Garland refused, Duke would just follow anyway. Garland knew that. "You stay in this car no matter what you hear, do you understand me?" Duke was already climbing into the car, nodding.

Duke had run the whole five miles, and Garland raced through the streets, but how long had it been since he'd left her? 25 minutes? More? If Lucy was hurt or dead because she'd been trying to protect Duke, he didn't think he could live with that. His small hands clutched the dashboard as they neared the boat and Garland jumped out the second the car was in 'park', running for the boat.

Duke had sat still, eyes searching for any trace of movement, and he let out a great breath when he saw Garland leading Lucy out, a blanket over her shoulders. He jumped out of the car and ran for her, and she froze when she saw him, shooting Garland a strange, panicked look and shrugging off the blanket, hugging Duke when he threw himself at her. She looked so different. The sweater and turtleneck she'd been wearing were gone, replaced by Garland's button up, she was all cut up, bloody and bruised and Duke felt sick about it.

The real difference was her eyes, though. The face and smile she forced for him were the same but her eyes showed a different person. The color didn't change, but it felt like he could see fire in her eyes, a spark. Something old and experienced and _alive_ , and he had known immediately that Lucy was different, that maybe she'd found one of the answers she'd been looking for.

He wasn't sure how bad she was hurt; she stood straight and kept her arm around Duke's shoulders but when she moved, she seemed stiff and slow, limping. Duke heard Garland talking about 'pressing charges' and Lucy/NotLucy gazed down at Duke for a moment, eyes soft with love and uncertainty. He saw the second she made whatever decision she'd been fighting with, and she looked back up at Garland.

"No. No charges. You don't keep a rabid dog kenneled. I'll handle it myself."

The whole scene had flashed through his eyes in an instant, and he froze, seeing himself in Simon's role. Fist raised, he realized who he'd seen in Lucy's eyes.

And he was not his father.

Sitting in the Land Rover, examining his old, hidden memory, Duke wondered exactly what had happened when he'd run. Exactly when had Mara woken? When had she taken over? Had Lucy taken that beating for him or had Mara?

Was there really a difference? So far none of the personalities seemed to exist separate from Mara except Audrey. Audrey hadn't heard anyone else when she was inside Mara.

Duke sighed, turning back for the _Rouge_. He could hear her ranting as he moved quietly around the kitchen, making soup. It was stupid and childish, but he'd gotten some petty satistfaction from watching her choose not to eat rather than just tell him she wouldn't eat meat. He'd been sure she'd crack, absolutely positive. But here he was making mushroom soup, listening to Mara's drunken ranting.

While the soup simmered, Duke sat against the door so he could hear her better. As he listened to her, Duke was disturbed to realize they really _hadn't_ asked her much. They'd listened to William and Vince and Dave, and the more they talked down to her, the more Mara reacted. It made him wonder what it was like to be her, left alone in a world with nobody to speak for you and nobody willing to listen.

When he heard her crying, still ranting through the harsh sobbing, his own chest felt tight. Monsters didn't cry, did they? Could any of what she was saying be true? So much didn't make sense, but had her mother been forcing her to produce children just for what, research?

And then after all the switched gears she was talking about Garland. Saying that Garland had known her, talked to her. That Garland had trusted her to help Nate.

Duke sat motionless, listening to her sing one of his favorite songs, and he leaned his head back against the wall, letting tears leak back into his hair.

What the hell was she?

When he brought her food, he sat with her, watching her eat happily and wishing he'd been a little nicer about the food thing. He asked questions, trying to get her to talk to him about all the things she said, but instead of just telling him she was miserable, she acted completely normal, even joking about it, like she was the same monster they'd been treating her as. It was like she was incapable of asking for help. Her refusal to wear clothes just amused him. Who was he to turn down a free show?

Then suddenly she was kissing him, and he was kissing her, but it didn't feel like a first kiss. This felt like Colorado.

How long had she been awake? _Who had he been kissing?_

He put her back in her chair, refusing to give in to her games, her little seduction. It was almost cute, enjoyable.

Then she'd said those words. That he had always been able to tell her from the others, and he saw that memory again, certain that it had been Mara who'd fought his dad while Duke ran. He felt sick and scared and guilty, and then he was angry. That she knew his dreams- that the dreams had somehow been real- that she somehow knew him better than he knew himself. It stirred him to action. He wanted to get some control back, to show her she couldn't just manipulate him.

So he had taken her, hadn't even taken his shoes off. Fucked her like it meant nothing. He'd made her scream and beg, and still she held him against her with her free arm, telling him she loved him as he came inside her.

And then she'd _kissed_ him. Like what he'd done wasn't despicable, wasn't low and cheap. Like he wasn't Simon.

He'd hated himself so much at that moment, all he could do was pull up his pants and leave, still hearing the words 'Because I love you' over and over, repeating in his head like an accusation.

He left the _Rouge_ , heading for the _Gull_. The storm was getting worse, almost like it was reacting to all the upheaval on the boat.

He turned on the radio and swore it was mocking him.

_Ain't no sunshine when she's gone_

_It's not warm when she's away_

_Ain't no sunshine when she's gone_

_And she's always gone too long_

_Anytime she goes away_

_Wonder this time where she's gone_

_Wonder if she's gone to stay_

_Ain't no sunshine when she's gone_

_And this house just ain't no home_

_Anytime she goes away_

_And I know, I know, I know, I know,_

_I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,_

_I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,_

_I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,_

_I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,_

_I know, I know,_

_Hey, I oughtta leave young thing alone_

_But ain't no sunshine when she's gone_

_Ain't no sunshine when she's gone_

_Only darkness every day_

_Ain't no sunshine when she's gone_

_And this house just ain't no home_

_Anytime she goes away_

_Anytime she goes away_

_Anytime she goes away_

_Anytime she goes away_

He grabbed a whiskey from the bar and went out back to stare at the water, berating himself. He was letting her get in his head. So maybe she'd been awake during Lucy's time. Maybe that's why nobody remembered much. It didn't change the things she'd done. That she'd threatened to kill Audrey, that she'd shot Nate. Mara had done plenty of evil herself.

His phone rang as he watched the storm over the water, a number he didn't recognize, but the voice that called him 'lover', that voice was something he couldn't forget no matter how hard he tried. The minute she hung up, he was on his feet, running for his truck.

She'd run.

* * *

In the quiet, back in her first real home, the place she'd built herself, Mara felt the first stirrings of peace. Her face and body relaxed, both smirk and scowl replaced by exhaustion. She felt sick and hurting and quite frankly _dirty_. Yes, she'd known there was a chance that Duke would drag her memory through the mud, but the foolish part of herself that she'd never fully squashed had still _hoped_.

Like they said, there was no fool like an old fool.

She was starting to doze, the hot water relaxing her muscles, when the phone rang. She didn't bother to look as she answered.

"Hello, Duke. How gentlemanly of you to call so soon."

"Mara, where in fuck are you?"

"Haven, of course. I'm close. Don't bother tracing the phone, it won't work. Why? You miss me?"

His voice was angry, she could feel the fury rolling off of him. "Why the fuck is there blood on the floor? Why are there fucking bloody bolt cutters next to your chair?"

She yawned, stretching. "I had a hangnail and you didn't leave me a manicure set. I did my best with what I had."

"Goddamnit, Mara, how bad are you hurt?"

"Well, I've got a nasty splinter in my ass and my feelings are a little hurt. Just a little, though. I'm naked, you know. If I close my eyes, I can still feel you inside me."

Sex as a weapon. The gift that evened the playing field between men and women.

Too bad it never seemed to work on Duke. Not unless he thought she was Audrey or Lucy. She sighed, rubbing the soap over her skin with her free hand.

"Who were you talking to when you were getting drunk, Mara?"

She froze, struggling to keep her voice light. "It's impolite to eavesdrop. I thought you were at the _Gull_."

"I never exactly said that. I was making your soup. You said something's wrong with Audrey?"

"Oh, of course, what was I thinking? It's _Audrey_ you're interested in. Well, what do you want to know?"

She kept her tone light, but she was seething and humiliated. How much had he heard? Good gods, had he heard her when she was pretending he was touching her?

"It's not like you're thinking. I heard you say she was going to get sick but you didn't want to say anything because we wouldn't believe you. Tell me what's wrong. I'm listening, I swear."

Of course he was listening. It was about Audrey, he'd listen to anything for her. Probably wouldn't believe until she got actually sick, but he'd listen.

Mara fought to keep her voice even, sinking further into the bath as she did, putting the soap on it's dish and flicking her hand through the water.

"The Trouble you used to rip her out of me was meant for humans, not people like me. She may look and act human, but she's not, not any more than me. I could tell when I saw her- Nathan can't feel her anymore, right?"

Duke was quiet and she fought the urge to snap at him.

"Whatever, you're not exactly giving away trade secrets. But watch. She'll get paler, washed out. She'll be cold and she'll cough, she'll shake. She's in withdrawal. Except the withdrawal she's having won't pass. It'll only get worse until she gets healed or dies."

She heard Duke catch his breath, the shocked, scared inhalation. It was stupid- ridiculous- but it pissed her off. She was jealous. Audrey had existed less than five years, but she had people willing to throw their lives down for her. Mara had taken care of this backwards town for over 600 years and people just hated her.

Whatever. She'd been warned. So her mother was right. Even a broken clock was right twice a day.

"What do we have to do?"

Oh, now the chivalry. 'What can I do for Audrey today?' Mara wanted more pain, just to stop the twisting in her gut.

"You don't do anything. _I'm_ the only one who can save her now."

There was a muted thud, like he'd dropped his head to a table, and his voice was totally controlled- obviously trying not to snap at Mara even though be clearly wanted to.

"What do you want, Mara?"

Those four words- four words again, it seemed like a sign, all bad things happened in four-word sentences. 'Because I love you', 'what do you want', 'hit me, you coward', 'the Hunter is coming'- They always meant pain for Mara.

"Screw you, Duke. I didn't ask for _anything_. I didn't say anything because you people think you know everything and you wouldn't have believed me. Still wouldn't believe me if you didn't already know he couldn't feel her! Sanctimonious, self-righteous ass! What have I _ever_ asked for from you? Nothing! Gods, I wish I _had_ let Garland tell you about me!"

Oh shit. She was still working off the alcohol and her anger, humiliation and pain, both mental and physical, had made her run her mouth. She decided to just plow through and hope he was so concerned about Blondie that he'd missed her slip.

"She's having Aether withdrawal. She's physically dependent on it. I'll fix her, I was already _going_ to fix her, but I need some things to do it."

"You want the Aether."

She got control of her voice, dropping back to the low, mocking tone that always made them look _afraid_. Control and precision in a languorous drawl. "You're an ass _and_ an idiot. The Aether isn't for me, Duke. Want proof? Go look at the blood in my cell. Go ahead, I'll wait."

Her throat was tight and her eyes pricked uncomfortably. It must be dustier that she had thought.

"Why is it black, Mara?"

"Because I'm _made of Aether,_ Duke. If I had needed Aether that desperately, I could have done it ages ago. When she's ready to accept my help, I'll fix her, and you, and then you can all fuck right off and leave me alone." She made it sound like skipping off merrily into the woods, her fingers dancing over the water like a man running, the drip of the water made her shiver.

Sometimes the smallest sounds, like the drip of water, were what affected her most. She still remembered the absolute silence she'd lived in for so long, and sound was more private to her than her own body. _Sound_ was still exotic to her, it had been total and unassailable.

"You could have done what, Mara? _How are you hurt_?"

"Why do you care? I cut off a toe. They're not that useful anyway, and I happen to have extras. Don't worry, I already knew it wouldn't hurt _Audrey_. I understand that kind of bond better than you people do."

"You... cut off your toe with bolt cutters just to get out of here? To get away from me?" He sounded sick and horrified, and for a moment her heart hurt for him. She stared at the water, wet hair swept back from her face, thick black line around her eyes still as precise as ever- Why buy makeup when she could just control the natural black of the Aether?- and her voice went low and quiet, confessing.

"Not to get away from you. I could have left whenever I wanted to. I thought you'd figured that out. Look on the crate, I left you a present." Why was her voice so rough and scratchy? The dust really was the only logical explanation.

"You made this? It's beautiful."

"Yeah, I made it. Talk to _Audrey_ , I'll fix her, but I swear if you try to trap me or drug me or shock me..."

"Come back, Mara."

She laughed loudly, the sound painful even to her own ears. "Why would I do that? No. You have my number."

"But where are you? There wasn't enough in my wallet for you to get a place to stay. If you bought the phone, there's not even enough for food!"

Her eyes slipped closed and she let herself imagine that it was honest concern for her- almost fear, even- that she heard in his voice.

"I barely eat anyway. Until today, all I've eaten is garnish. You already know this, you've obviously known for a long time- hence all the meat. You just wanted me to beg. But _I don't beg_. I don't eat meat, Duke. Food isn't a priority for me anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. Thanks for that."

"Mara please, tell me where you are. I'm sorry, I was an asshole, I'm sorry."

"I can't stay on the phone, Duke. I don't have electricity, I can't charge it. If you still want to talk to me, I'll stop by after you go to sleep. The shit between us doesn't matter. Audrey is practically an infant. I'm not a baby-killer, despite what you think of me. I have to go. Call if you actually need me."

She hung up before he could argue further, putting the phone down and climbing awkwardly from the tub, letting the water out.

She really wished she'd thought to steal pain meds from someone.

She dried quickly and after making sure the cedar closet really was vermin and dust-free, she put on one of her old dresses. It still fit, and the soft familiarity of it made her feel better. She stopped, skipping her fingers over the stones in the wall above her hope chest, pressing the last stone and exhaling as a drawer slid out, presenting more beloved treasures, The leather sash was nice, but next to that lay an elegant dagger, all shining gold, hilt and sheath inlaid with citrine and ruby, what William had always called 'her colors', as Mara slid those on, she slid one more more clip that attached to a pouch of orbs that had nestled against her dagger. She smiled as she tied the sash. Mara had never been without her weapons, William had seen to that.

After using what she'd stolen from Audrey to bandage her foot, she laid a thick comforter on the old sleeping mat on the floor, pulling out an extra to cover herself. She put the phone and gun next to her on the floor and breathed deeply, fighting the tears as she finally fell asleep.


	4. I'll Cover You

It felt like she waited ages as Mara dozed fitfully. She was grateful when she finally felt Duke sleep. She didn't bother altering her appearance, her hair loose, still wearing the old, old dress as she perched on the edge of Duke's bed. She just studied him for a long time, longing for things she could never have, but she eventually touched his arm.

"Duke? Hey, I said I'd stop by if you wanted to talk. Do you, or should I leave?"

His eyes opened, but he looked confused. "How'd I get here? I was lying on the couch."

"It's a dream, Duke." She tried not to be too obvious as she stared at his bare chest.

"Are you really wearing a dress?"

"I am."

"It's pretty. Old-fashioned."

She had to remind herself that he'd complimented the dress, not her. "It's what I had on hand. It was new when I bought it."

He was still lying down, sheets covering his belly button and he looked at her dryly, almost smiling. "You have more than that. It didn't take long to figure out what you'd done."

"I only took things she doesn't wear. Most of it was Lexie clothes anyway. Those belong to me just as much as her. More, maybe, since it was my body."

It was strange, she was sleeping, but she felt slightly off. _Tired_. She wanted to lay down, but kept herself sitting up straight.

"And the door?"

"I was in a hurry. She'll just stay with Nathan until it's fixed if she doesn't trust the deadbolt."

"You should come back."

"Duke, I've let myself be taken prisoner before, and I'm tired of it. Gods, I don't know how long I'll be able to stay free, even _if_ I'll be able to. If I get forced back, if she makes a new cage, at least I want to live free for a few days or weeks. No cell, no chains. I stayed because I wanted to. I wanted to be close to you. I know, it sounds stupid. But I trusted you and enjoyed being around you."

"Then come back. No chains, obviously they don't work anyway. Choose to come back."

She turned her head away. "No. I hate what I am there."

Duke sat up, leaning back against his pillows. "What do you mean?"

"A whore, Duke. Some things in my life I couldn't stop, but what happened between us, I chose that. I don't want to go back in there."

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Don't." Mara cut him off. "Doesn't matter. You know what I am? I'm the girl the guy comes to when his prom date won't put out. I'm not the date, I'm the convenience. Life is easier when you understand your role." She cocked her head, looking at his nightstand. "The glass _Rouge_ I made for you, is that just the dream or did you really put it on your nightstand?"

"I put it there. Tell me where you are, Mara. I'm worried."

"I told you, I'm close. When Audrey starts getting really sick or you need to release a Trouble, I'll be able to be there in five minutes. I'll heal you both. You have my number."

"You have almost no money and you said you don't have electricity. How do I know you're not freezing in some tent somewhere?"

Poor Duke. He just cared too much. And at all the wrong times.

"If I show you where I am- you can't get to it anyway- will you calm down?"

"Maybe. Couldn't hurt."

Mara actually had to struggle a little to make her cottage appear around them, her body asleep on the mat, turned toward the fire. Odd.

Duke was fully dressed now and walking around, staring at things like a kid in a fascinating museum. "What is this place? It looks old, but I've been in every old building in Haven and I don't recognize this." He smiled and shook his head when he saw the stolen picture on the fireplace mantel.

"Not _every_ old building. Nobody can get here without me. This is where I lived when I first lived in Haven." She pressed her fingers to her temples, rubbing as though it could get rid of her headache.

"But you said it was close. How did you hide a building for 500 years?"

She sat in the rocking chair, gesturing to another chair for Duke. He sat, still looking around. "It's pretty."

Her stomach was queasy and she didn't have the energy to be rude. "Thanks. I built it myself, mostly."

"Really? That's amazing."

They were settling into the way they'd always spoken before in dreams. They were relaxing like it was one of the hundreds of dreams she'd shared with him before.

"I know you don't believe me, but I meant it. I want to fix your condition, Audrey's too. I know you don't trust me, but I won't hurt you like that."

Her eyes started to slip shut and she shook her head, frowning.

"What's wrong?"

"Don't know. Don't really feel right. Usually I don't get tired in dreams."

"Are you sick or something?"

She started to say no when she looked over at her body on the pallet in front of the fire. Standing, Mara went to stand over herself, swallowing hard.

She was pale, shaking and curling the blanket around her. Frustrated, Mara moved to her feet, pulling the blanket back.

"Shit." Her voice was barely a whisper, but Duke heard.

"What, what's wrong?"

"Just infection. It'll pass. In the morning I'll go out and make some medicine."

"Infection? Let me see." Duke brushed past her, kneeling at her body's feet and pulling the blanket back. His gasp sounded sick. "Fuck, Mara. This looks... you at least have pain meds, right?"

She frowned, shaking her head. "Not that easy to get."

"If you won't come back, let me come to you. Then you have the upper hand, I can bring you medication and food. Look at yourself, Mara, you've obviously got a fever. Please."

The headache was making it hard to think.

"Look, I know you understand what the dreams are now, but... do you think we could just go back, for a few minutes? Like it was?"

Duke gave her a long look, finally nodding. "You want to go look at the stars?"

Mara nodded, grabbing an old blanket and leading Duke out. She spread the blanket out in one of the few spaces where plants weren't trying to obscure her walkway and held the skirt of her dress as she reclined. From the corner of her eye, she saw Duke do the same.

They weren't far from town- she really was less than a mile from the station- but the view was lovely from her yard. The tall trees that hid her home on all sides gave it the feel of being miles from civilization, buffering sound and light. They stared up at the stars and she listened to him breathe.

A cricket chirped nearby, deafening in the stillness and Mara jumped, almost laughing as she rested back. She could feel Duke stewing about something, but she just waited him out.

"Mara?"

"Hmm?"

"Did I hear right, did you say you were deaf when you were little?"

"You heard right. I was born deaf."

"Do you know why? How'd it get fixed?"

"It didn't get fixed, I'm still deaf." He shot her an astonished look and she chuckled at the sky, her hands signing as she spoke. "Kidding. Chromosomal disorder. I was born a freak. But my father cured me when I was maybe 6. Probably the same disorder that gave me the original gift."

"What was that?" To her surprise, Duke was using ASL too, and it made her feel a little warmer.

"I can do a little bit of a lot of things. Telekinesis, telepathy- invading your dream is a form of that- I could see things, hear things. I could manipulate the elements."

"You had a chromosome defect that made you a superhero?"

She laughed, the sound ringing off the garden walls. "Hardly. It made me a double misfit. I already didn't fit in because I was deaf, but the abilities scared people."

"So what happened?"

"My father. He created a... medication, I guess. To let me hear, to fix my defects and leave the abilities. I got my hearing, but it made everything else stronger too. The abilities, my emotions, sensation. It was years before just clothes weren't torture."

"What do you mean?"

Something about the dark, outside- close enough to still hear the ocean- it felt like old dreams and she didn't even want to lie.

"My body got very sensitive. Hypersensitive. Even slow touches were difficult, regular activity was painful and someone trying to hurt me was torture."

"Did people... try to hurt you?"

"I think it was the band R.E.M. who said 'Everybody Hurts'."

"How do you even know that song, that wasn't out during one of your free times, was it?"

"It's a trans-dimensional Barn, not the backwoods. I hear things. You can get radio reception in _space_ , Duke. It's the only luxury I'm permitted. Music. Though it's occasionally taken away as punishment."

"Your mother?"

Mara didn't bother speaking, just signing.

_'Yes.'_

He followed her lead, hands flying as he communicated. _'I'm sorry she hurt you.'_

_'I'm used to it. I'm sorry I failed you.'_

_'What do you mean?'_

_'More than you could imagine or remember. I couldn't save Matthew. The baby I showed you, the first of yours that she took. I tried. I failed them all.'_

_'No. I saw. You tried. You named him Matthew?'_

_'And his brother Thaddeus. I named everyone I could. You should never die without a name.'_

They were both silent for several minutes, hands and lips still.

Duke broke the stalemate.

"Okay, this probably won't make sense outside my head, but for this discussion, when I say 'you' or 'we' or 'us', I mean since the beginning, since we first met, including all the dream time, okay? I'm not just talking about the last couple months. But if most of the dreams were real, then we've been talking a lot. For a long time. It was every damn week, and I know I talked to you about everything. Hell, if you were a shrink I'd probably owe you millions by now."

"Don't worry, I'll just bill the insurance."

Duke laughed, pointing at Mara even as he stared at the stars. "That, that right there, that's what I always love about this. That even when things start getting deep or unpleasantly heavy, we can just tell a dumb joke to get back on track."

"Speak for yourself. My jokes are _never_ dumb. But it was my choice to talk to you about all of that, so I don't understand."

"Are you still doing the dream thing even since Audrey and then everything since the split?"

"Yeah. Only time I'm treated like I matter. I'm too selfish to give that up." She straightened her dress, trying to get comfortable. She generally disliked lying in their dreams, and it would have to be something serious to make her consider lying to Duke here. Here she could tell the truth and let it hurt a little less.

"So we've been discussing everything. Like, everything in life this whole time."

"Yes. That's general conversation, Duke. I ask you how you are, you tell me. That's how it works."

"When I was really angry, the times where I was ready to just be done with Audrey and Nate, we talked about that."

A warm breeze tickled across her face, an owl hooting in the distance. "Yes, we did."

"You always urged me to forgive them. Not to give up. You always tried to make up for them. Wouldn't it be easier for you if I didn't? Divide and conquer, you know?"

"If that were my intention, yes."

"Then why? Why try to keep us together?"

Mara was very quiet for a moment, and suddenly fireflies were there, doing fantastic dances for them.

"A couple reasons. I didn't want you to be unhappy, but it was a very long time before I had any way to say so. I didn't want you to be alone. I can feel Nathan through the Aether, and I know how much he loves you. He hates it, it scares him to let anyone have that kind of power over him... unless they're supernaturally linked to this town and absolutely _unable_ to leave." She chuckled. "He's an emotionally stunted train wreck, but he loves you completely.

"I can't feel Audrey- I guess I have something else in common with Nathan- because she has no real Aether in her. The little bit that helped accomplish the split is already overtaxed holding her together. But I lived with her, and I know how she feels about you. Are they idiots? Absolutely. But they're not bad people and although it may not seem it, they aren't trying to be callous. I know that when you're in trouble, they will care for you. It would be wrong to try and put a wedge between you when you need them."

Duke folded his hands over his chest and for a moment she could feel the faded denim of his shirt, the weave of the white undershirt when she had grabbed at him. She felt him inside her and her heart stuttered. Dear gods, he had touched her body. Not just her dream self.

"You said there were a couple of reasons."

She wondered if his mouth tasted of bourbon still. "The other is selfish. If you told them off and refused to work with them, I wouldn't get to see you."

His laugh rolled over Mara like the breeze, and she got goosebumps. "So what if I were to ask you right now, since you've got your own body? Would you still tell me to forgive them?"

Oh, she could see where this was going. "What happened, Duke?"

"It was stupid. I knew he wouldn't listen to me. I tried to talk to Nate about Audrey and you. Told him what you said about her getting sick and suggested maybe we talk to you about it."

"And he gave you hell. I'm sorry, Duke. I don't want you to be unhappy. He's just scared. He'd much rather listen to the old diaries than the person who actually lived it, because he sees my face and only thinks, 'Save Audrey'. Doesn't matter that it was my face first. When she starts having symptoms from the withdrawal, he'll get desperate enough to talk to me. But if you guys had a fight, I suggest either hiding or tying yourself up or something, or he'll think you let me escape."

"Oh yeah. Good point."

Her voice was dreamy as she looked between the fireflies and the stars, having trouble focusing.

"What do you think of my house? The outside is a mess, I'll start fixing that tomorrow. But what do you think?"

"I like it. It feels hidden."

"It _is_ hidden. Hidden and protected. How do you think it got through all this time undamaged and unfound? Even before I knew about the Barn, I was a little overboard about security."

Mara shivered hard, hard enough for Duke to notice.

"What's wrong?"

"Just a chill. I'm fine."

"We both saw your body. You look sick, Mara. You need medical care."

"I can make any medication a person could need. I'll gather what I need from around the house in the morning."

"If you won't come to me, and that's probably a good idea; I don't know how pissy Nate's going to be about this, maybe you'll let me come to you? I could bring you medicine, food, make sure you're okay and you can hide me from Nate until he calms down from our talk."

"Oh shit."

He sat up a little, looking around. "What, what's wrong?"

"He's not going to calm down soon. Maybe you _should_ hide out for a few days." When they found out the Aether was missing, they'd know it was her, and they'd accuse Duke of helping her.

Duke's voice went very low. "Mara, what did you do?"

"I was morally in the right. They stole my Aether, I stole it back."

"Are you- seriously? I thought that was the whole point of your toe!"

Mara shrugged. "The toe only yielded one orb. I need more than that to fix you and Audrey. I used it to get things I needed."

"So are you gonna hide me or do I need to leave port? I do _not_ want both Dwight and Nathan coming down on me."

She thought it through. The space was defensible and full of her things, somewhere she'd be safe. She'd never been hurt on this land. "Fine, but bring battery backup for whatever you need. There's no electricity. I can give you a list of things to bring if you can get them. But Duke?"

"Yeah?"

"You can't try to hurt me here. No shocking, no drugging, no hitting. Nothing. I need you to swear."

"Why? I mean, yes, I promise not to hurt you but why?"

Mara considered how to answer that. Finally she just whispered, "Because it's the only place that's ever been safe."

* * *

They went back to the cottage and sat together as Duke tried to memorize the list Mara was writing. She would occasionally give him an amused look, but kept writing with an old quill and ink.

"Okay, listen. The very top part of the list, that's doctor stuff. If you can get it, great, but if it'll cause a problem, skip it. The rest is just stuff from your boat, things you'll want. This is not the kind of life you're used to."

"I'm more worried I'm going to forget the stuff." He kept looking over at her sleeping body with worried eyes. Occasionally her body would stir, thrashing or moaning.

"What you're wearing now, is it what you're wearing where you're sleeping?"

Duke looked down to be sure. "Yes, this was what I fell asleep in."

Mara flipped the list, drawing a map and basic directions to her gate before sliding it into his shirt pocket and patting the spot. "I'll open the gate as soon as I'm up. We'll close it when you get here. You can drive through the gate straight up to the house, just try to avoid the garden. Hook around the edge of the fence to the left and follow it. That way maybe you can bring an ice chest. No refrigeration here. Bring bottled water if you're uncomfortable with well water, but it's perfectly safe."

"Wait, Mara. Is there... is there anything you want for yourself?"

The slow, quiet question caught her off guard, and there really was something she wanted. She didn't look at him when she asked, "Do you have any more of that mushroom soup?"

He smiled like she'd given him some kind of gift, nodding. "Absolutely. Do you have enough wood and pots?"

"Plenty of pots and I cut my own wood. But if you find some kind of battery operated charger, I wouldn't say no, and I'd like to have access to music. That's just a luxury, though."

"And the chocolate isn't?"

"It's been awhile since you stayed with a woman, huh?"

After a beat they both laughed, and Duke touched Mara's arm. "Thanks."

"Yeah, anytime you want to hide from Nathan, I'll help you out. What are friends for?"

"I'll remember when I wake up?"

"I'll make sure."

Duke nodded, and they were back on his boat in his bedroom. Normally, leaving him in a dream she'd kiss his lips or his head, but they were in uncharted territory. She hated to just disappear though, so she hesitated, kissing her fingers and holding out her hand. He could rebuff her if he wanted, but it wouldn't hurt as much as him actually jerking away from her.

He looked at her hand with a sad smile, reaching out to press her fingers against his cheek. She had to smile. It was a start.

She waved, pulling herself back to her cottage and giving herself a few minutes to wake up.

The moment she did, she wanted to go back to sleep.

She _was_ sick, though she couldn't imagine how she'd gotten so ill so quickly. Shock could only account for some of her symptoms. What the hell infection had she picked up? They were a hearty species, illness was fairly rare.

It took a couple of tries to scramble for her phone, calling Duke.

"Hey." She must have woken him up.

"Duke, you might want to hurry. I'm feeling a little worse than I expected."

"What's wrong? Should I come now?"

"No, I'm okay. Try to get the medications though, the antibiotics will be necessary if I can't find the right plants. If you can, try to get a tetanus inoculation for me. I didn't check for rust."

"I'll be there soon."

"I'll go open the gate so you can get in. The list is in your pocket. Be safe." She hung up and pushed herself up, feeling cold and sore and miserable. The room tipped and spun unpleasantly, and her joints were stiff and aching. She'd slept with her weapons and sash on, and she pocketed the phone.

This was ridiculous.

If she were a child back home and woke feeling like this, what would be expected of her?

She straightened her spine and patted her skirts down, going out to prime the pump for freshwater before picking up her basket and walking barefoot down the path to the gate. She took notes of the plants that were still growing, already planning how to get the garden back in shape as she walked. She used her dagger to cut up pieces of Eyebright, Feverfew and Goldenseal, chewing them and pulling some bark from the white willow that she used to read under. She piled parts of medicinal plants in her basket, knowing she absolutely had to get some medication into herself. She pulled the last rosehips before she wiped and sheathed the dagger, reaching for the lock on her gate.

She hit the buttons through muscle memory, focusing on standing straight, eyes narrowed in concentration. As the gate started to slide open, she pushed the hair out of her face, feeling her body shaking against imagined chill. She needed to put more wood on the fire and get these plants simmering. It would take time to cook down and if Duke couldn't get the drugs... but Duke could get anything if he wanted it bad enough. And it seemed like such a long way to the house.

But honestly, what was she going to do, sit here and wait for Duke? Have him carry her to the house like a spoiled girl? Mara didn't need _anyone_. She slogged back up the path, picking a few hops for her basket and rinsing the plants with clean water from the pump before sitting on the porch swing to cut them into the heavy pot that she would hang over the fire. Gritting her teeth, she filled the rest of the pot with fresh water and hung it, adding wood to the fire.

That done, she let herself sink to the bearskin in front of the fire. The _oh so very Mara_ piece of her wanted to call Nathan or Audrey, to throw stones at the hornet's nest since she was safe and hidden. But not until Duke was safe from the fallout. She didn't want to have to fix his face if Nathan got all punchy again. She grabbed Garland's leather journal instead, holding it to her chest and smelling the memories that clung to it.

The times when she watched through her Lucy-prison, curious and fascinated as she realized they were looking for information on _her._ On Mara, the original underneath all the personalities that kept coming back. She had been interested and excited, having been forgotten so long. After they'd found what they needed, after Garland hand summoned Mara, given her Aether and begged her to help his son, she hadn't bargained or sniped or fought. She had been so happy to be wanted that she immediately helped little Nathan, and yeah, she'd cried when he'd said his first words to her.

Garland had been an angel to her.

The voice from the rocking chair made her move her eyes, rolling her head to look up. Speak of the devil- there was Garland, in the jeans and grey button-up he'd been wearing that day so long ago, but he looked like he had before he died, a cigarette in his mouth.

"All that fuss, I didn't expect to see you on a floor. Nice place though, they don't make 'em like this anymore."

Mara blinked up at him. "I don't let people smoke in my house."

"Yeah, well, that's the beauty of being dead. No stupid rules. Smoking relaxes me. I'm not afraid of lung cancer. So, you're free and apart from the body? Not like with Lucy?"

"Uh, no. Not like Lucy. Duke kind of... made Audrey another body, using bits of mine. It's like that story about Adam's rib. He and Nathan split her from me. Just as well because she's hot to trot for Nathan and I know I don't have to tell you how much I don't want to be around for that, you know? I have too much history with Nathan because of James and then when Nathan was little."

Garland made a thoughtful face as he spoke around the cigarette. "In'it weird how it went that way for you but the opposite for the rest of us? For you, it was baby-daddy and then little boy. Everyone else, he was little boy first. It was a terrible thing when James died, hurting over my grandson, hurting for you, hurting for Nathan, but not being able to do anything for him. I bought him that damn baseball glove he never did like. Just wanted to make it better, but without Mellie, I was just lost with the emotional crap."

"You did your best, Garland. You got him my ring. I can't tell you how I appreciate that. Even if he never knows, it's enough. But I was thinking earlier when I was talking to Duke that you were right. I do wish I'd let you tell them about me. I wouldn't risk my time with James for anything, James was my everything, but I didn't expect everything to be such an uphill battle when I got loose."

Garland rasped a loud, growly laugh. "That boy never did a single thing the easy way. Half the reason I told him to stay away from Parker was so he'd get closer. Never met a more contrary boy in my life."

Mara coughed, laughing tiredly from where she was curled with the journal in front of the fire. "And in true Wuornos style, he grew into the most contrary man on earth. Nature has nothing on nurture, Garland. Nathan is your son through and through."

She felt the lump in her throat and the stinging in her eyes, but the sick, weak Mara reminiscing with Garland while she lied on the floor, she knew what the feeling was and it had nothing to do with dust. Her body wanted to cry.

"You think so? I wonder a lot if he still hates me. Hard to bond with a kid who can't feel when I couldn't damn well talk. When Mellie was alive, she could translate. Losing her, it was worse than losing a limb. It was like I lost my voice. All those damn feelings I couldn't get out, gumming up the works."

"You know better than that, Garland. Nathan grew up just like you. Stubborn and pigheaded and emotionally stunted, but good and loyal and trustworthy. He buried you in a cooler, Garland. He understood you better than you think."

"Give him time, angel. He's stubborn, but I know you. I was one of the privileged few. My boy is stubborn, not stupid. He'll learn to see you. I remember when you helped him, his first words weren't for me or his mama, they were for you. The damn fools have their noses stuck in those stupid Teagues books. Damn things never helped before, but those two are more stubborn than Nathan. He's gotta get back to real police work, not all this tinfoil hat madness they keep spreading."

"I don't know this time, Garland. I think his love for Audrey is going to keep him too edgy to listen. He always looks like I somehow stole Audrey's face. He's so scared that he's resisting the plain fact that it's my body. I was born in it, the scars belong to me. That fact doesn't make me an automatic danger to Audrey. I love him still, Garland, but sometimes I just... wish I could smack him one. That's what I really mean when I talk about wishing you'd told them about me. I was certain it was right at the time, but they aren't interested in listening. I scare them too much. Too different."

"Hell, it's your differences that saved those boys. It took me time to learn. Following all those stupid books and hints. 'M sorry I couldn't help you stay free."

She chuckled, eyes slipping closed for a moment.

"Up and at 'em, soldier. Don't close your eyes just yet. Come on. Conversation on this side is crap. Entertain an old man."

"Old my ass, Wuornos. I'm older than you by far. I told you smoking was bad for your health. You never listened."

"Never complained about my other vices."

"I had no reason to. You've got good taste in booze. And you shared. Damn I wish I had a drink right now."

Garland rocked back in the chair, appraising her. "You probably should have talked to Duke before you took the toe. He's not entirely unreasonable. That boy brought me the best of everything. Cigars, booze, old books. Always pretended it was some bribe to keep me from arresting him, but putting him behind bars is something a dumbass would do. I'm no dumbass. Kid's good for this town, always has been. Been good for Nathan, too."

"I know he is, I know how good he is. But I don't see how he'll ever see me as more than this... _thing_. A monster. Garbage. I hate myself for how I feel about him. Hate knowing he loves _her_ even though she's just a part- a tiny, very young part- of me. People forgetting me, taking my name out of the books and distorting the stories, whatever. I don't care. But it would be nice if they would just listen."

She had to stir the pot, but her body wasn't following orders. "What the hell did he do, infect that towel with smallpox or tetanus before he gave it to me? I was careful, sterilized everything with fire and booze, cauterized the wound. I wrapped it in strips of towel before I ran and I've been taking care of it." She stretched her mind, making the large spoon move to stir the pot, plenty of water still needed to reduce.

Garland's lazy drawl was amused. "You ran over four miles last night after you cut that piggy off with bolt cutters, and you obviously haven't eaten enough. 'Course you got sick. You told me yourself, you don't age, but you can get sick or hurt."

"You're insufferable when you're reasonable. I'll get well. Once that medicine finishes the extraction I'll have a large bottle on hand."

"You need to be more careful. But I notice you got my book."

Mara's face brushed the dark fur of the bear skin under her cheek. Her head was throbbing.

"I killed this bear myself. I was out gathering, getting food and plants to make medicine, and there it was. I tried talking to her, but nothing worked. She'd lost a cub and she just wanted someone to make everything stop. I killed her with this dagger. Skinned and cleaned her myself, tanned the hide, made beads and tools from the bones and gave all the meat to hungry locals. But I respected her too much to let any part of her go to waste, and now she's always here. I have these presents I want to give people, but it always has to wait because they're not ready.

"Yes, I have your book. This is the only possible way to get them to listen to me. Dave and Vince have lied so much I'm wondering if they believe their stories now. Aside from you, Mellie and Gloria, they're the ones who were there. They should know better. I think the memory pulse might have honestly gotten them. I was so sure they were just keeping our secrets, but nothing changes- the hold, the chains and threats and electricity and blades. If they remembered, I can't imagine they'd just leave me to twist like this."

"Could be, angel. But we'll show 'em."

"Can I ask you something, Wuornos?"

"Course you can."

"Do you think I'm wrong to love him the way I do?"

"Who, Duke or Nathan?"

"Both in their ways, but I mean Duke. I can't shake the feelings, Garland. Doesn't matter how mad I am or how drunk I get, I still want him to love me. But I've been in his life since he was a child. Longer. Constantly interfering. If he didn't so clearly despise me, I'd worry that I somehow brainwashed him, Maybe his hate is the gods way of telling me he's off limits, since I clearly didn't listen the first time."

"The gods don't decide that Mara, you do. And he's damned lucky. There was many a night when I thought maybe I could move on again after Mellie, but I was afraid to even try unless we knew how to keep you around. But I'm not goin' anywhere. Harps and halos just aren't my thing. I'm sticking around, and you can start practicing your ghost-talk. We'll help you with your mother and we can help find your baby."

Her eyes fluttered. "I would love that so much. Not being constantly on edge, having a chance to raise Delilah. Duke might hate me, but some part of him didn't reject me completely. I miss her every minute. Don't get me wrong, I think of all of those babies I couldn't save and it hurts. Some more than others. Much as I love Duke and Nathan, I have trouble imagining raising Max or Simon's kids. It's not that I blame them, they're innocent. But some of the others that I couldn't save haunt me. Thaddeus and Garland and Matthew should have lived.

"I don't even have a plan to deal with Momma. I can't stay free while she lives. She'll never just stop. She'll go after Audrey if she can't get me, certainly once Audrey is well. I hate not knowing when she'll come. Poor Audrey. Just a baby and people already want to use her. She's so scared of me. I wish I was the scariest thing in her life."

When she opened her eyes, Duke was inches from her face, and he'd obviously been trying to talk to her. How long had he been there? He got her to swallow two Tylenol, hiking her skirt up where she lay, wiping a cold swab of alcohol over her ass before giving her a shot. But from the burning, she'd guess it was an antibiotic. She groaned, trying to roll over, but her body wasn't following directions. She managed to force out whispered words through dry, cracked lips.

"Hey. Will you stir the pot on the fire? I don't want it to scorch or run out of water. I think I need it."

Duke checked the pot, stirring. "Do you want me to put more water in this? It's barely covering the plants."

"Did you bring the vodka?"

"You wrote it on the list three times, Mara. I remembered."

"Use the hook to take the pot off the fire, let it sit on the hearth. Add about two cups of vodka- just eyeball it- and put the rest of the trimmed plants in the pot while it's still warm. Please. Was there pain medication in that shot?"

"Yeah. I got a bunch of stuff just in case, but I knew you had to be hurting. Not that you'd tell me."

She rolled her eyes to the rocking chair. "You see? I told you."

Garland just chuckled and shook his head, relaxed. "Stubborn, you know that. Just be yourself. You're at home. Try to stop hiding yourself."

Duke finished with the vodka and came to kneel by Mara. "Who are you talking to?"

Her eyes fluttered again. "Garland. Duke, if you don't mind too much, will you put your shoes by the door? I don't like shoes in the house."

His eyes crinkled up in worry, but he took his shoes off and set them by the door. "Mara, how long have you been seeing Garland?"

"Since I laid down after I got the medicine on the fire. He thinks I should practice talking to ghosts. He's always so funny. Hasn't changed at all."

Duke came back in bare feet, sitting on the bearskin with her and feeling her face for fever. "Mara, did you see ghosts before you got sick?"

"Not for a long, long time. When I was very small, but I stopped when other things got stronger. But Garland says conversation is crap on his side so he wants to stay. Thank you for the medicine. The pain is less."

Duke looked up, thinking. "You think Garland would show himself to me?"

He thought she was hallucinating. It made her chuckle. "You're not a hallucination, are you, Garland? You'd tell me, right?"

"Sweetheart, if you were having hallucinations, I think we both know they wouldn't be me and they'd prob'ly be naked."

Mara laughed, managing to lift her arm, reaching to touch Duke's bare skin "Sorry, only works if I'm touching you. I need skin contact to adjust you. 'M not the big, bad wolf."

Duke moved his hand closer so she could get a better grip and she did her best to concentrate. "Just watch the chair. I won't have the energy to make it last, but maybe when I'm well."

Duke's eyes went very wide as Garland lazily saluted Duke. "Appreciate the things you've left on my grave. Sure wish I could smoke that Cuban and have a drink."

"Holy shit, Chief?" He gripped Mara's hand, winding their fingers together.

"Ain't the chief anymore. Nathan was smart enough to pass it to the only other prospect who's not a complete dumbass. Just call me Garland, Duke."

"How do you know Mara?" His tone was full of shocked surprise.

Garland looked at Mara fondly. "She saved my son. I'll let her tell you, but she's got my journal. She's not lying to ya. Stop listening to everything else and let her tell you what you wanna know. You don't get your facts from ancient diaries if you have the actual witness with you. Told Nathan that a hundred times, he still doesn't listen for a damn."

Mara's eyes slid closed and her grip on Duke's fingers loosened. Garland nodded for Duke to check Mara, disappearing from view. Duke had to shake his head and blink several times, trying to understand what was happening. He scooted closer to Mara, checking her fever as he brushed her hair away. It seemed to be going down, but he dug out the ear thermometer and checked. 102.5. Better, but not good enough.

"Mara? Open your eyes, come on. I know you're sick, but we need to get your fever down."

Mara blinked slowly, focusing on Duke's eyes. "Right. Sorry. I need to finish the medicine. I need cheesecloth, did you find it at the store?"

"Yeah, I got several packages."

She pushed up onto her hands and knees, leaving Garland's journal on the rug as she took out an amber bottle the size of a soda bottle. She covered a glass bowl with the cheesecloth and Duke helped hold it as she started pouring the warm tincture into the new bowl, all the plant material caught in the cheesecloth. When the large pot was empty, Mara gathered up the cloth and squeezed the liquid from the spent plant material. She put the bundle into the empty pot and used an old funnel to pour the tincture into the bottle, leaving it on the hearth to cool. She took the smallest orb she could find and dropped it into the bottle.

She leaned back on the rug again. "Still too hot to drink any, it has to sit. My head aches."

Just like their old dreams, Duke didn't need to be asked. He moved and pulled until Mara's head was resting on his lap and began to massage her scalp, chasing away the throbbing.

"I know it's bad that I put you in a position like this, but I'm glad you're here."

"Me too. I was worried. Oh, that reminds me, I can't figure out how to close the gate myself."

"Oh, right." She rolled to her front again, trying to push herself up. Duke stood in a single, graceful movement and bent to pick Mara up.

"We'll save time if I carry you."

She dropped her head. "Fine. Just for now."

Duke just shook his head, following the path back to the gate. He put Mara down when she asked, holding her steady when she swayed.

She blinked repeatedly, letting her fingers trace over the hidden control, enjoying the look on Duke's face as the roots and branches closed together again. "Safe now. What did you bring?"

He lifted her and brought her to the Land Rover next to the cottage, putting her down to grab the portable generator and extra fuel, letting Mara take the canvas sack of extra groceries. "We don't have to use it all the time, but if we need to charge the phones or my Ipod, since you asked for music, I thought this would help."

"That's perfect. Thanks for thinking ahead." She adjusted the straps on her shoulder, balanced the bag on her hip and led the way back into her house, doing her best to walk normally. She honestly didn't care about the toe itself, but she hadn't even considered getting sick.

"Mara?"

She didn't turn, focused on walking. "Yes?"

"I already know you're hurt, you don't have to try and hide it."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

He shook his head, smiling.

Inside, Mara settled into the rocker with her bottle of medicine, corking it and mixing, twisting the bottle back and forth while Duke unpacked. A dufflebag of his own necessities, the few grocery items she could use here packed onto a kitchen shelf and the ice chest set against the wall.

Her voice was normal, no masks or deflective tone. "You know, I can call then and say I kidnapped you or took you hostage. Then you don't have to worry about them blaming you. There's enough physical evidence in the boat to make it believable. You don't have to... choose sides."

"I think I'd rather they thought I was on the lam than that I got taken down by a 5'4 girl. It's an ego thing."

"So... did you happen to bring any of that soup?" Mara tried not to sound hopeful.

"I brought a whole pot, and bread. Hungry?"

"Yeah. Let me clean the smaller cooking pot so-"

"Just tell me where it is, I can do it."

She rested her head back against the chair. "Cabinet next to the fireplace. The pump is already primed. It hangs on the fire just like the others."

As she closed her eyes and relaxed, Duke dug the pot out, grinning.

She was letting him help her.


	5. Written in the Scars on Our Hearts

Duke got the soup on the fire and sat down with Mara, handing her a drink in a blue carton. She looked at it and glanced up at Duke, surprised.

"Maple water? Where did you get this?"

"You like that? You can get it at the store now."

She looked interested despite herself. "Really? I have maple trees and taps, but I can only tap in the spring, so- well, it would be nice to have that kind of thing year-round." She shrugged, trying to look disinterested. It made Duke smile.

"I brought two cases, so drink up. You need to be hydrated to get well."

Her head lolled back, and her arm shook a little as she raised the drink to her mouth. She scowled as a little dribbled down her front, but kept going.

She truly was incapable of asking for help.

"Mara, do you want a straw or something?"

"I was just thinking I wish I had a couch. Something soft that I could lean back in. I'm so tired of chairs." She blinked, a thoughtful look on her face. She was thinking of comfort, and she'd seen something in a picture once that had looked just lovely. Something that sounded so comfortable suddenly that she was intent on having one.

"What's up? You're thinking about something, I can tell."

She pursed her lips, trying to focus through the pain and the fever. This was simple. Cotton, even bamboo fiber could make strong, soft cloth. A large oval pouch, eight feet wide. Strong, tightly woven cloth that would still be soft. A warm brown color to match the wood and the bearskin rug.

Filling. Denim was made of cotton, and finely shredded it was soft and durable. Duke stared, amazed as a beanbag-type couch filled out, growing into being in front of them. Mara stared intently as the shape altered, arms and back taking shape, getting taller. When it looked stable, she went limp again, staring at it thoughtfully. She glanced at the carton in her hands and took a breath, pushing herself to her feet. She took a shaky step and paused, sighing.

"Duke, would you mind moving that a little? Just so it's on the other side of the bear skin, facing the fireplace, please."

He stood, trying to keep the smile off his face as he adjusted it to where she wanted it. "That about right?"

Mara nodded, still standing in the same spot. She finally sighed, stretching her neck. "Would you mind giving me a hand?"

He closed the distance, scooping her up and setting her on the new couch, pulling a stepstool from a corner and laying a pillow on it, lifting her foot and gently placing it on top. She sank back with a relieved groan, eyes slipping closed. "Thank you."

He sat next to her, not quite touching. "You're welcome. You know, I don't mind helping when you need it. I wish you'd ask more often."

Leaning back, she was able to take a long drink of the maple water. She stared at the flames as she spoke. "I have trouble asking for things. I had to be self-sufficient. Asking for help like a spoiled little girl, it's a sign of weakness. When people know your weakness, they exploit it."

Duke nodded, staring at the fire as well. "I won't pretend I don't understand, but it's just us right now. I ask you things all the time. I trust that you don't judge me about that. You haven't ever held it against me, even when you're mad. It's why I didn't realize the dreams were real for so long."

She snuggled deeper, wishing she had a blanket. Or that Duke was closer. "That's different. I've volunteered to take that role, repeatedly."

"Well, now I'm volunteering. I'm not a kid, I'm capable of helping you now."

She turned slowly to look at him, expression guarded. "What do you mean?'

"I remember things from the Lucy times. You helped me."

Mara tried to keep her tone conversational. "What do you remember?"

"My dad tried to hit me, Lucy tried to protect me. When I got Garland there, it was you. I didn't remember until yesterday."

Mara's jaw tightened but she didn't look at Duke. "You remember a lot more than most people."

"Mara, it's been driving me crazy since I remembered. What happened? When did you wake up?"

"I'd been awake a long time. I got control when I realized we couldn't get loose, that we lost that fight. I was awake most of the Lucy time, and in control more than half the time."

"How? Why?"

"Garland sought me out, he and Dave did the research to find my information. Garland wanted help for Nathan, he wasn't recovering well even with Max gone. So he asked me to take the memories away. I'm why Nathan doesn't remember Max or the abuse. Most of the time I spent with James was as myself, and most of the time with you."

"Mara... what did Simon do to you?"

"Duke, I think you know, and it won't help you to hear me say it."

He looked so sad, and he whispered, "It's my fault. You were trying to protect me, and if I had run, if you hadn't froze when you saw me watching-"

"No, no stop." Her hand reached out to wrap over his and her voice was serious and intense. "You didn't make him do anything. Chances are I wasn't getting out of that fight no matter what. You brought help, Duke. And even knowing, I'd do it again. It was worth it, knowing he never hurt you again."

Duke put the time frame together, finally looking up at her. "He died less than three weeks later."

"Yeah, he did. It was the only way to know you were safe. I knew I couldn't let you down. Your heart was so good, I couldn't let Simon go on, he would have kept hurting you, trying to make you like him." She was tired, hurting, and she was so _cold_. "I understand if you're angry."

"I'm not angry, Mara. I'm grateful. I'm really sorry you got hurt, that he touched you, but you saved me. You made me feel so hopeful, like I was worthwhile. Thank you."

Her eyes slipped closed, and her voice was rough. "Would you mind grabbing a blanket? I'm cold."

Duke stood, putting another log on the fire and stirring the soup, grabbing the comforter from her sleeping mat and then stretching out against her, putting the blanket over them and wrapping his arms around her. It surprised Mara so much she had to blink against tears, her throat tight.

"Thank you. Please don't think I'm trying to guilt you into anything. I- Garland told me to try to be myself and trust you. So I'm trying."

"Thank him for me."

She blushed, but leaned her head against Duke.

"Hey, Mara?"

"Hmm?"

"This couch is really comfortable, and I was wondering- I've never seen you do anything like this. I mean, I know you were melting things on the boat, but if it isn't rude, can I ask how?"

"Part of the original gift. Aether is my primary tool, but I can manipulate any naturally occurring element. Metals, glass- all that is is heated sand-, plants and weather. So I melted the chains and I melted a bottle to make the sculpture, and I used mostly cotton and bamboo fibers to make the couch. I saw one of these frameless couches in a picture awhile back, and it sounded so comfortable, and I was so tired of sitting in hard chairs."

"I think it's amazing."

"Thank you. Can I ask one more favor?"

"Sure, anything."

"Could you hand me the bottle of medicine I made and some of the pain meds you mentioned? My metabolism burns through medication quickly, I need much higher doses more frequently than regular people."

He was on his feet immediately, handing her the corked bottle while he went to get the bag of medical equipment he'd brought. She didn't measure, just took a drink directly from the bottle and recapped it before handing it back.

"You want oral or injectable? I have both."

"Injectable works faster, if you don't mind." She rolled up her sleeve.

"How much higher should the dose be?"

"About twice as much as you'd give Dwight if he got shot."

Duke paled. "Mara, that would knock out an elephant!"

She shrugged. "I can either remind you that I have a high metabolism or I can accuse you of saying I'm fat. You pick."

He held up his hands in surrender. "No, it's fine. Twice what I'd give Sasquatch. But wait, what am I medicating him for; getting shot in the shoulder or the gut? There's a significant difference." Mara considered. He did have a point.

"For sake of comparison, groin." His face turned quickly from pale to green.

Men were so funny.

Duke drew up a syringe, wiping alcohol across her arm before giving the shot. By the time he had put everything away and rejoined her on the couch, she was positively _cuddly_ , and when he opened his arms to put them around her she leaned in, laying against him across his lap. He just held her, surprised but gratified. He pressed his cheek against her forehead to check her temperature, worried that she was still so warm.

She nuzzled his face, pressing a tiny, hesitant kiss to his jaw. He just held her tighter.

The combination of fever and narcotics made her feel relaxed and loose-limbed. It took away a bit of the iron control she kept over herself and what she let people see. She was talking before she even realized it.

"I've always loved hidden things. Hidden rooms and compartments. This house is full of them."

"Really? Can I see?"

She smiled, her suspicious, scornful mask forgotten. It felt so much like old times to her- here in this safe house, where she'd lived the only truly happy days in her life- and she didn't keep secrets from Duke, she'd never kept secrets from Duke.

"Sure! Come on."

She held onto his hand as she pushed up, the pain in her foot still present but overshadowed by the euphoria of narcotics and _home_. She led him to her hope chest, skipping her fingers over the stones that opened the drawer. "This is where I usually keep my weapons and tools. This dagger, the sash and the pouch of orbs. William made me the dagger as a gift."

Duke was examining the drawer, trying to figure out how it worked. "This is so cool, you can't even tell it's there when you close it, like the gate out front."

She giggled- _giggled_ \- and closed the drawer. "Smartest man I ever knew told me the safest place to hide things was in plain sight, but with ways only you know how to open."

Duke grinned. "That's what I always say."

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "I know, silly. Like- look, come to the front door."

She led the way outside, holding steady on Duke's arm, closing the door behind her. "These disks and stones? They're the lock. It's a puzzle. Go ahead."

Duke stared for a moment, trying to understand why the lock looked familiar. When he reached out to touch the stones, his fingers moved quickly, and the door was open in a matter of seconds. Mara clapped, laughing, and Duke's confusion grew, a foreign feeling starting at the base of his spine and traveling upwards until his whole body tingled.

_What was going on?_

She took him to spot after spot, drawers and cupboards, some empty, others holding gold coins, stones and other treasures she didn't give him time to look at. One above the mattress held a single book, handmade paper bound in heavy brown leather, the letter 'C' embossed on the front. He reached for it before Mara could snatch it away, curious. Her eyes went wide and she shook her head, looking panicked, but no words came from her mouth.

Oh gods, what had she been thinking? She couldn't concentrate, she kept slipping- forgetting what year it was, forgetting who she was now, who Duke was, how drastically different her life had become. Her tongue felt thick and her mouth was dry, it was like she couldn't talk or move as Duke flipped the ancient book open.

He was greeted with a beautiful, lovingly hand-drawn picture of himself.

Oh no. Dear gods, what had she done?

Duke looked stunned and Mara was still frozen, rooted to the spot as he randomly opened to another page- this of him holding an infant, laughing at something the swaddled baby had done.

Her hands came up, arms wrapping around herself as he turned page after page; a picture of he and Mara sitting in front of the tree outside, the cottage clearly visible as a baby played in wildflowers, another of the baby playing with Duke's face, a ring clearly visible on Duke's left hand. One of Duke and Mara together under an arbor of flowers with a ribbon around their hands, William standing with them and grinning.

"No." Mara finally whispered. "No, I messed up, that's not- that's not your problem, that's not supposed to-" she choked on a sob, fleeing out the door, sitting on the porch swing where great, gut wrenching cries shook her whole body. The scabbed wounds that she kept hidden were torn wide, making the tears fall like rain as wind whipped around her, thunderclouds rolling in.

Duke slowly came to sit next to her, silent for a long, tense moment as she cried, the essence of heartbreak personified.

"Mara, what is this?"

She keened, gripping herself harder. After a moment, Garland appeared, kneeling before her.

"Tell him the truth, darlin'. You told me yourself, you keep things locked up too long, they start to poison you."

"Everything is different. Nobody will believe, I'm not what I was then."

"Sweetheart, you're exactly what you were, you're just hidin' under all that armor." He looked at Duke, staring at him hard. "Son, I trust this girl with my life. I trust her with my son's life. She's scared and hurting, but I trust you, too. You're the best in Haven, Duke." He looked back at Mara, one hand touching her hair. "It's your place to tell 'im, but if it comes down to your health and safety... if you don't tell, I will."

"No, no Garland. Please. I'll do it. If he doesn't believe, I'm afraid it will kill me. Maybe we'll be neighbors."

Duke cut in. "Guys, I'm right here. I can see you're obviously talking about something the Chief already knows. I'll believe you, Mara."

"I don't know where to start." The storm was rolling back in, thunder was growing louder and drops of rain were starting to spatter them. Garland stood up.

"Start at the beginning. But do it inside. You don't need to get any sicker than y'already are."

He gave Duke a serious look before nodding toward the house and disappearing. Duke put his hand on Mara's back, gently pulling her up and leading her inside to the couch, taking the pot of soup off the fire to cool on the hearth.

"Mara, do you need some medicine to relax you, or for the pain?"

"I think the drugs are responsible for this massive fuck-up to begin with. Yeah, I think maybe I do need some."

Duke chuckled quietly, bringing her a couple of tranquilizers, her antibiotic and her maple water, sitting next to her and picking the book back up. "I'll listen, Mara. I swear."

She nodded, staring at the fire.

"A few years after I first came to Haven, when I was starting to get a little more well-known for healing people, a man showed up in town. Appeared literally out of nowhere, dropped into the water like twenty feet off the end of the pier that we'd just put in. They called me in because they thought he was crazy, said he was speaking gibberish.

"So I got there and this man, he was taller than everyone but the Hendrickson's, and they were only barely the same height. But he was beautiful. I sat and talked to him, and I understood him better than the others because I understood linguistic shifts. He told me that because of a Trouble, he'd somehow been transported from the year 2011 to my time- 1505. He begged me to help him get back, said he missed home and that his friends needed him. I brought him home, here, to stay with me. I was still working on finishing the inside of the house then."

She took a sip of her drink, putting her foot back up on the stool. The bandage was a little bloody again and she wondered if she'd have to sew it closed as well as the cauterization she'd already done.

"I managed to send a message in an orb to his friends in 2011, and they were researching, trying to find a way to help from their end, but they weren't having much luck. I used the Aether on a volunteer- I only ever used volunteers, it was meant to help people- to create a time travel gift, but he was having so much trouble mastering it we were afraid to try it. So while we worked, the man was stuck here.

"It was you, Duke, but from a slightly different timeline. You looked and acted just like you do now, you're the same person. Things just happened a little differently. While we researched and I tried to train the man I'd gifted, you helped me finish this place. Taught me about hiding places, helped build- or let me help you build, I guess- most of the secret panels in here. You offered to sleep on the floor, but I was so screwed up back then, it wasn't like anyone could touch me anyway, so we just shared the same bed. You and William helped the men with the fishing and planting, and people liked you. We started building a town, and I got so used to you calling it 'Haven' that I did it too, and it stuck."

Mara wiped at her eyes, frustrated, wondering how this night had gotten so out of control.

"I kept helping you send orbs to your friends. I remember how confused I was the first time the woman was able to send one back. As far as I knew, I was the only Aether-user besides William on this world. And she looked so much like me. Taller, with shorter, blonde hair and blue eyes, but our faces were the same. Back then, I was shorter, my hair was down to my ass, and my eyes were-" she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, saying the word like it caused her physical pain- "violet. My mother altered my appearance about 100 years into the Barn cycles, when people were getting taller. The changes were just cosmetic though, she couldn't alter my actual genes.

"I had nightmares a lot. Things from before I came here, things that my mother did or had done to me. Almost every night, until you started staying here. Then it was less often, maybe twice a week. One night, about... I guess about six months after you got here, I had a really bad one, more of a night terror, and you held me to keep me from accidentally hurting myself and you begged me to talk to you, said you couldn't help me if I didn't tell you what was wrong. So for the first time ever, I told. I told a human what I was and what had happened to me, how disgusting I was."

She looked down at her hands, then reached out to take the book from Duke, opening to an early page, him holding her in front of the fire while she cried.

"You said I wasn't disgusting. You said I was beautiful and sweet and that the way I helped people was 'inspirational'. You sat there and held me and let me cry all over you. Didn't look disturbed or afraid that I wasn't human. And you kissed me on my lips. You took me back to bed and let me sleep in your arms."

She turned a page and there was a picture of him kissing her, her arms under his, clutching his back. Her face was tilted up, his down. "I drew the pictures from the memories I project from the Aether, that's why they look like this. They're not how I saw them, just how they looked to the Aether around me."

She gave the book back. "We kept on like that for several weeks, sending regular orbs. I never asked why your friend Audrey looked like me and you never told me. I didn't want to know. There was a meteor shower- the Hunter, ironically. We took a picnic and a blanket to the knoll, the place where the doorway that brought us back from the Barn is. When it continued to pass safely- you had been so sure it would hit our town- you turned and kissed me, but this time we didn't stop. We..." Mara frowned at the fire. "I don't usually use this term, it usually irritates me, but we made love. I'd been used so often and so brutally, but you were so gentle and attentive. I'd never been touched like that."

Her breath stuttered and caught, trying to hide a sob as she wiped at her eyes.

"We went back holding hands, and we- you know, every night after that, sleeping together was more than just sleeping side by side."

Duke was silent, stunned and fascinated. He believed her completely, and not just because Garland had told him to. The truth was etched into every line of her face, every tear that dropped from her eyes. How could he have left her, though? What had he been thinking? Had he been that set on getting back to Nathan and Audrey, being the Trouble-killing lapdog? He turned the pages when she motioned, the beauty of them kissing with the Hunter passing overhead, the picture of their faces pressed tightly cheek to cheek while they made love.

Mara's voice was rough and cracked a little. "About four weeks later, I realized what the Aether was trying to tell me. I was pregnant. I considered not telling you, I knew how badly you wanted to get home and I didn't want you to feel guilty. But I never lied to you, I never had. So I told you." She smiled softly, staring at the flames, her eyes centuries away. "You looked... Gods, you were so happy."

She nodded at the book and he turned the page, the picture him on his knees with his ear pressed to her abdomen, her fingers in his hair as she smiled down at him.

"You told me you didn't want to go back home anymore. You were still keeping in touch through the orbs and they could ask for help when they needed to, but their Haven was doing okay and they wanted you to be happy. You told me you wanted to stay and marry me, to raise our family together. William officiated our handfasting." She nodded at the book again, the picture of them under the arbor with the ribbon around their hands, William grinning brightly behind them.

"Our pregnancies are usually about 20-26 weeks, but I went 30 weeks. I delivered here at home, that was normal then. I was the town midwife anyway. You caught the baby yourself. I delivered in the bathtub. We named him Gabriel Nathan Crocker." She gestured to the book again. There were a couple of pictures of her pregnant; one hanging laundry on a line, one just leaning against Duke, his arm around her as they stared up at the stars.

Duke stopped at the pictures of Gabriel. He was beautiful. Curly black hair, violet eyes, cheeks that begged for kisses. There was a picture of him sleeping in Duke's arms, another of Mara nursing him, an angelic smile on her face. One of them lying together, Gabriel laid skin to skin on Duke's chest as Mara cuddled into his side. Duke was struck by how utterly blissful they looked. Peaceful and happy and perfect.

"Mara, I understand that the me was- from a different timeline, but it's still me, right?"

"Yes, Duke. The timelines were almost identical, you were exactly the way you are, why?"

"I want to know if I can have the memories. If I was myself, can I do that? Get the memories back?"

She closed her eyes, nodding. "Yes, but you should know everything first, before you decide that. I killed that bear there when Gabe was six months old. I had him and I was out in the woods. I told Garland, she'd lost a cub and she was miserable, she only attacked me to make it end. I killed her with my dagger and you helped me butcher her and tan the hide, we distributed the meat and made beads and tools from her bones. I have some of your things- you used to wear one of her claws on a leather cord around your neck, several of our friends- the original Guard- did. None of her went to waste.

"Anyway, we were happy. Time passed and our town grew and our son grew. Smartest boy in the world. I schooled him and taught him to use his gifts, you taught him all about languages and- everything, really. You joked a lot about how your lack of ability to settle for one career helped you be a better teacher for him. He was fluent in Russian and Mandarin from you, Latin, Spanish and Sign Language from me. By the time he was four he could speak five languages fluently. He understood taxonomy, herbalism, entomology, etymology... absolutely brilliant, and like you, he sucked up information like a sponge. He thought you hung the moon, you were his hero."

She nodded to the book again and Duke looked at the pictures. The small boy following Duke like a duckling as he worked on boats and everything else he could get his hands on. In half the pictures Gabriel was on his hip or shoulders, in some Mara stood with them, holding the boy to her, even nursing in a few, and one in particular made Duke smile- he and Gabriel standing side by side on the pier, stances identical with their hands on their hips, both staring out at the boats on the water. The picture was drawn from behind them, so there was just a tall man with long black hair tied in a leather strap and a small boy with wild black hair, Duke and Mini Duke overlooking their ocean.

"People loved us. _We_ founded this town. We gave them home and purpose, we helped and healed and made their lives better. You taught them better forms of agriculture and helped make roads. We had horses. There was a paddock about an eighth of a mile to the south where we had the stable and kept the horses. I had a lovely chestnut mare that you chose because she reminded you of my hair and you had this massive black stallion. People would barter with us just for a chance to get the chance to breed their mares to him. You called him Rover, short for Land Rover because you thought it was funny. You named mine Rouge. The next two pictures are us with them."

He turned the pages quickly, smiling. Mara looked _beautiful_ on a horse, and side by side, the two of them- two _Crockers_ , he realized, looked like they could take on the world. Mara had Gabriel strapped to her torso in some kind of sling as she rode. Suddenly he wanted a horse.

"Things were so perfect. Just before his fifth birthday, I found out I was pregnant again. I was going to tell you when you came home for supper. William was out with the fishermen, trying to help increase their catches so they didn't have to work so hard.

"You'd taken Gabriel to barter for some grocery items we needed. Around noon a young boy got here, all red and sweaty from running. They'd just told him to fetch me. I had my dagger and orbs on my sash just like always. When I got there, you were on the ground, white as paper, just holding Gabriel. Whoever she had with her, they'd planned it well. He ran you through with a sword, and when you were down, he slaughtered Gabriel. You were holding him so tight, but you were still alive when I got there. But it had taken too long, and I was trying so hard, but the damage was too severe even for the Aether."

The tears rolled from her eyes and her breath hitched as she fought to continue. "You held my hand and said it had been worth it, that every moment with us, with me, had been worth a lifetime. That you never regretted staying. You told me that you loved me and that making me a Crocker was the best thing you had ever done. I begged you to hold on, I even told you about the baby, hoping it would make you stay. You just smiled and said you knew she'd be perfect. I kissed you, I was crying and begging but you said to be strong, that Gabriel needed you. You died in my arms, and you never let go of Gabriel."

Mara's tears were relentless and she couldn't breathe through her nose, grieving like it had happened yesterday and not centuries before. Duke was frozen, lost for words.

"William got back right after. He loved you like a brother by then. At first he was jealous, but he knew how happy I was and he adored you. Used to make you tell him stories about the future. He helped me take a boat out and we buried you at sea, we wrapped the shroud around you and Gabriel both, he never, ever left your embrace.

"I lost the baby three weeks later. I hadn't been eating, and though miscarriage is very, very rare in my species, the strain was just too much. When my mother came and told me that I needed to go into the Barn, I resisted at first. But like this poor bear, I just wanted it to stop. And she hated me, she hurt me, but she said at least she could make it stop by making me someone else. She didn't tell me the Barn times would be so much longer than the lifetimes. But she said it would save Haven, that if the Hunter came and I refused to go into the Barn Haven would be destroyed, all our work- all _your_ work- would be gone and it would be worse than just not having your name written down, that it would be like you'd never touched the world at all.

"I hid everything. My weapons, the books and journals, our keepsakes. Everything still here in the cottage. And I chose to go to the Barn. I didn't know what would happen to me there, Duke, but to save our town, I probably still would have gone. After you died the nightmares returned with a vengeance, every single night. This house had already been warded and protected, even dust could barely get in. I gave William the horses, told him to do whatever he wanted, just make sure that wherever they went, they would be loved."

She wiped her eyes with her sleeves, taking a drink of her maple water.

"William begged me not to go. He was afraid of what would happen to me. He was right to be. She hurt me a thousand times worse in the Barn than she ever had before I ran away. But when he asked me at that last moment, before I turned and stepped in, why I was doing it, all I could say was, 'Because I love him'."

Mara closed her eyes, face pale and splotchy, eyes red. "I hear that's when they started Founder's Day, but William, in order to preserve the sanctity of the timeline, since you'd always worried about that, had them alter the names."

She took a long, shaky breath.

"Eventually, during the Sarah time, I saw you again, but I had hardly any time with you and Nathan was trying so hard to get to Audrey, I ended up being a casualty. I broke through Lucy because of Garland, spent more than half of that time free- which is part of the reason I tried to run, but Vince made sure I got shoved back in. And I couldn't stay away, so I started going to your dreams, just wanting to see if you were the same man, and you were.

"We've been through this- I followed you, I begged you not to marry Evi- I wanted to be the only Mrs. Crocker. And I still let you touch me every time you would. When you had sex with me, even on the _Rouge_ , I could pretend you still loved me. But nobody wanted to hear my story. Nobody would have believed. So I've been locked up, a prisoner in the only place in the universe I wanted to be, but I wasn't even a ghost, nobody remembered me. Not even dreams crossed timelines, which is unusual. I was nothing but a monster in those stories. William tried to pull me up, tried to make you remember at the same time, but he just scared you all. I hadn't counted on how very much you'd all love Audrey. I don't blame you. She's like I was but not tainted. Not a failure. Audrey _always_ saves the day."

She took her foot off the stool, rubbing her hands on the skirt of her dress. "So, do you want to see the rest of your things?"

Holding the sketchbook to him, Duke nodded, helping her to her feet. She didn't flinch back from his touch, but he felt her tense before she was under control. She led him back to the bed, opening one drawer at a time. The first held a rattle and Gabriel's first booties, a lock of his hair on a velvet pillow and a piece of thick paper with prints of his hands and feet. Mara's elegant script spread beneath them, ' _Gabriel Nathan Crocker_ '.

The next drawer held a bear claw on a leather cord, which she took out reverently, passing it to Duke. "I have the rest of her claws and teeth, in case we needed to make more necklaces. They're in this drawer."

The next drawer held a red silk ribbon with two rings on it- their wedding bands. She'd been especially careful to keep them together and hidden. A childish, superstitious part of her had believed that if she kept the items that tied them together where they'd never be pulled apart, that their souls would always love each other. It was just superstition, though. She still loved him every bit as much as she ever had, but Audrey had his heart now.

Audrey had everyone's hearts. They'd ripped her out of Mara so they could love her without having to deal with all the broken pieces of Mara that had been a devoted wife and mother. They wanted to love her purely, without restriction, and now that she was free of Mara, they could. Maybe once Mara fixed Audrey, Duke and Nathan would find some kind of three-way relationship with her. Mara would remain alone- she couldn't let William take Duke's place, she wasn't that cruel and he deserved to be loved completely- but she would get Delilah somehow and she'd be able to love their daughter.

Moving on to the cedar closet, she opened it and reached into a compartment to show him some of his clothes, things she had made herself. There were more sketch books, stacks of them. She pulled one out to show Duke- she had painstakingly written out sheet music for 'Hallelujah' when he taught it to her, and it had been her favorite song since that time.

"You taught me that song. You sang it to me the night of the meteor shower after we- well, you know. I wrote it down in case I ever forgot it. I wrote a lot of things down, or drew pictures, obviously."

Duke's voice was low and husky. "What's in the hope chest?"

"Our wedding clothes, Gabriel's first layette and blankets. Letters we got thanking us for help. Notes we wrote each other and everything else I could hold on to. The plans and schematics for things you built, Gabe's drawings. His placenta print and our wedding quilt."

Rain fell outside, the sky mourning with her.

"Nothing was the same when I found you again. I thought for awhile right after Lucy that it could be, when you were having the dreams and we were spending so much time together. But you've never felt the same for me again. Only Audrey. I don't know if it's just because of Audrey or because I got all used up in the Barn, that it made me more disgusting than I was. It doesn't really matter why. Just the end result. And here we are."

She was exhausted, too tired to think about it anymore. Her body ached and she was very aware of her temperature rising. Mara turned to go back to the couch but Duke stopped her, his hand on her arm.

"I want the memory back, Mara. You said we could once I knew. Now I know. Give it back to me, Mara."

"I don't want to unduly influence any decisions you make, Duke. I don't know how fair it is to put that on you." She wanted to touch his face, had to repeatedly remind herself that she couldn't touch with impunity. Being here in their old house with him made it easy to fall into old habits.

Duke had no such reservations. He moved forward until he was close, barely pressing his body against hers and wrapped his hand against the side of her face, speaking in earnest.

"It was my life. I deserve to remember it. It's my choice. Fuck, you're telling me I have the opportunity to remember a life, a real life that was _happy_? Mara, until very recently, I wasn't even sure what happiness actually was. It's my choice, you said so."

Her gaze was dark and brooding. "It's your choice. But the memories, they hurt. At least for me. You're the same man, so I'd bet they'll hurt you, too. You should be prepared." She wiped her hands on her skirts, and very quietly, she said, "That Duke, he loved me. Please just remember who you are. That you don't feel that way. Don't get confused."

"Mara, please. This is my life. It's not like just showing me is going to force me to change how I live. It's not brainwashing. Let me see what a happy life is like, please."

She had never been in such a position. The only man besides William who had ever loved her in her long, long life, the man she had pined for and dreamed of and wanted more than anything- he wanted the memories of his life with her back. What should be a simple, straightforward request was fraught with meaning and tension for her.

If this man was truly as much like her own beloved Duke, the memories would hurt him, they would burn like acid, but he might love her again- he'd sworn to love her forever. Was that fair, to take this Duke and make him love her when he hadn't loved her on his own? Was that manipulating him?

Yet at the same time, was he choosing to love her by wanting the memories? She had warned him, explained what her Duke had felt, yet he seemed positively enamored with the idea.

The morals of the situation itself made her terribly unsure. The new Mara wasn't used to being distressed over morality. She did what was necessary, when it was necessary.

The situation really came down to one question: When she was with Duke, either here in their own home or anywhere else, which Mara was she? Was she the loving wife, the healer and builder, the woman who people trusted to save their families when they were sick or injured? Or was she angry, spiteful, vindictive Mara who just wanted everyone to hurt as much as she herself did?

"Duke... I'll do whatever you choose, but I want you to understand something. That other Duke, he loved me truly and completely. Getting his memories back may affect the way you yourself feel about me. I'm not saying the feelings are fake, just the opposite. But you've never much liked me, and that love might override that. It will change the way you look at me. I want you to understand that before you make that decision."

He stared down at her, brow furrowed as it only did when he was utterly serious about something.

"Mara, I'm absolutely certain. I understand what I'm asking."

She looked terribly young and sad for a moment. "No you don't. Not yet. But when you do, at least you won't be alone."

She turned back to the hidden drawers, opening the one with their wedding bands and the ribbon that had bound them in matrimony. She pulled it out reverently, closing her eyes and kissing the pair of rings lovingly, finally pulling Duke's off the ribbon and laying her ring and the ribbon tenderly back down in the drawer.

She took a deep breath as she turned back to Duke, reaching for Duke's hand. "I'm not trying to be presumptuous, but the memories are tied into the rings. It doesn't mean you're my husband again. I'm just giving your memories back to you."

"Mara, please. I'm begging over here. Just do it, please."

She gazed at his hand and held her breath as she slid the ring into place on his finger, unable to stop herself from closing her eyes and kissing the ring once it was in place. Of course it fit perfectly.

Thunder cracked directly overhead, but the lightning that blinded her came from inside the building. Duke's eyes shone a brilliant silver as the Aether woke in him, returning every moment of that other life to his memory, each experience that he'd loved or flailed or struggled through inundating him.

With a gasp and a cry, Duke fell to his knees, his arms wrapping around Mara's hips, his face pressed against her stomach. His shoulders shook as he cried and Mara was a creature of habit, her arm wrapping around him, one hand in his hair. She took the leather cord with the bear claw on it, sliding it over Duke's head to rest just above his whistle. Tears trailed down her own cheeks, and she wanted to join him there on the floor, wanted to wrap herself around him.

But she didn't know what he was thinking. He was just holding her, crying.

"Duke, please talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking." Yes, she was begging, but she was out of her element, terrified and unsure.

He gasped for air, tightening his grip on her waist. "I remember. Oh Mara, I'm so sorry. I left you, Violet. I'm so sorry. I promised I'd never leave you. 500 years in the Barn because of me. How can you forgive me?"

She could only whisper. "No, Duke. It wasn't your fault, none of it. You should never have been in danger to begin with. They hurt you because of me, Duke. You stayed here because of me. How can you possibly not blame me for what happened?"

Duke stood in a smooth motion, sweeping Mara off her feet and carrying her to the fireplace where he laid on the bearskin rug with her, pulling her tight into his arms. "There is so, so fucking much I would do differently, but right now, you're here with me, and I can't think beyond that. _We're home_."

His lips landed on hers, gentle but insistent, and she kissed him back. "Duke, Duke I'm the same person I was when I woke up yesterday. I'm no better. I frighten you all, everyone's been trying to get rid of me. I'm no different."

His breath was ragged against her face as he stared at her. "No, you're no different, and I'm grateful. But I finally understand, I know you, I know why you act certain ways. I'm so sorry, so sorry I forgot. How could I forget? The only time I've ever fit in, where I want to be. It was never you who needed to change, Mara. Fuck, we never even asked you anything! Why didn't we just ask?"

His lips were on hers again, strong and loving and he tasted the same, vanilla beans and bourbon. He'd tasted the same the first time he'd ever kissed her and he tasted the same yesterday. This was her Duke, the same man, the only difference was that he hadn't been sent back. Circumstances had put them together in a different way, but looking in his eyes she wondered- if it had happened again, would this Duke make the same decisions her Duke had?

He would. She knew he would. It's who he was. He'd chosen to give her a chance, to love her back then. He was giving her the same chance now in the only way he possibly could, by taking back the memories of their life together.

She let the tears flow, wrapping her arms around his neck as she kissed him like she was starving and he was sustenance, like he was oxygen. Trying to make up for every missed kiss.

Her hands had a mind of their own and she was pulling off his shirt, her fingers running over his skin and into his hair. Even as she was undressing him though, Mara spoke quietly against his lips.

"Duke, please don't do this unless you're absolutely sure, unless you know who and what I am and you're touching me for the right reasons. I can't handle the hurt if you look disgusted again." She hated letting that fear out, hanging between them. She hated letting him know how to hurt her, letting that soft spot be out and open, such a perfect target for anyone who wanted to strike.

He stared down into her eyes, purposefully bringing his lips to hers, untying the bodice of her dress. "Mara, I'm sorry I hurt you, but I know who you are, I want you, even with my memories gone I felt the need to be close to you, but right now I want you, I need you. Not the games, Mara. Just you, just my Violet. Please, baby."

It had been so long since anyone had called her that, so long since her eyes had been their real color, the red of the Aether in her system that tinted the blue of her eyes, and she let the Aether flow, the deep violet of her true eyes shining with tears. "It was never about the games, Duke. I was just angry and depressed. Everyone hated me and it was eating at me. William, the only person who could speak for me, I couldn't help him and he couldn't fix the Harker Trouble without me, and that got screwed up and you had to kill Ben and everyone thought I was evil.

"Here I was, with you, but you loved the girl I'd always feared from the old orbs and you- you _hated_ me. You said my name like Momma did. Like I was poison. I wasn't trying to keep Audrey hostage, I just wanted my body and I didn't know how to give her her own, not alone. Nobody would listen."

Duke shook her just a little, trying to get her to focus. "But I'm listening, Mara. I'm here and I remember and you look as lonely as I feel. Please, if you're going to bring me back, bring me _home_."

Mara groaned and then her mouth was on his, as needy and demanding as he was, fingers twisting up into his hair and pulling him closer, kissing desperately.

It was like the time on the _Rouge_ never happened, like she hadn't been touched in decades, in centuries. Every contact seemed new and exotic, the feel against her body as the soft cotton loosened around her as the bodice fell open, leaving her bare. The chill of the air against her skin. She sat up to let her dress fall from her shoulders, wiggling out of it when it puddled at her hips and Duke stared, transfixed where he kicked off his jeans.

She was watching for any sense of hesitation or obligation, any sign that this was not what he honestly wanted, but the Aether danced happily around them, a barely audible song echoing through the room.

It was the Music of the Void, just on a smaller scale, with only a few dozen orbs singing instead of a Void filled with the tiny essences. It was joyful, celebrating, and Aether would never take joy in what would hurt her. Her shoulders finally relaxed and she wrapped her arms and legs around Duke, holding him against her. His skin was so much colder than hers because of the fever, she got goosebumps everywhere. But his strong arms were wrapped around her, one spread across her back, the other splayed over her ass, and he was kissing Mara like she was a gift, like he treasured her.

His hands moved over her slowly, and she was reminded of their long distant past, the slow dance of his fingers on her flesh. She'd been subject to all manner of abuse, but Duke had been the first to touch her with her permission, and he treated that seriously, like an honor or a privilege. He never looked at her like she was damaged, not even now, having seen and heard so much of her history.

Mara had a sudden, dreadful fear that she was having a fever-dream, her mind mixing up the warm dreams of what she wanted and the cold reality of what had happened. She wasn't even completely sure where they were, if she had actually made it to the cottage or not. She was lying on the rug in front of the fire, and she reached down to pinch herself hard on the hip.

Duke moved immediately, pulling her hands away from her body, holding them gently next to her head. "Violet, no. Why are you trying to hurt yourself?"

She was panting, and even now, restrained, she reached to kiss his neck. "Afraid I'm dreaming. I was warned. Warned if I hallucinated it would be you and we'd be naked."

He chuckled quietly, finally nipping her throat with his teeth. Mara gasped, jerking,

"You believe me now?"

Instead of speaking, she kissed him, bringing one leg up around his hip and he pressed his lips to her throat, groaning. Their bodies shifted and now there were no hands restraining her. He was braced on his elbows, one hand in her hair and the other stroking down her arm. Her other leg came up around him and his lips and tongue were against hers when he pushed into her. She wrapped her arms around him, winding the fingers of one hand in his hair.

His hips rocked against her, pushing deep before he pulled back, slow and gentle. Duke was drawing this out, remembering what she felt like beneath him and she held him harder, her nails digging into his back and his ass as she panted against his neck between kisses.

His body remembered hers, and he moved to angle his thrust, making her cry out. In the flickering light of the fire, she clutched at him, her hushed moans turning louder and he responded, pushing deeper, his deep voice mingling with hers.

Duke was with her.

This was no competition for dominance, this was a meeting of equals, and though he might have looked a little smug when her body went rigid and she shouted his name, it wan't from spite. He just loved watching her come undone.

It felt like hours had passed when Mara decided she _needed_ him to come, she needed to see him out of control, too. Clenching hard around him, she pushed her hips up to meet him, biting his shoulder. His blood on her lips, she pulled his face to hers. Her violet eyes swirled with his own silver and she said, simply, "Please, Duke. I love you."

His breath caught and his muscles strained, the growling in his chest turning to a roar as his body jerked against hers, moving instinctually. Braced on his elbow, he touched her face and kissed her as he came, and he didn't pull away when she hugged him close, pressing kisses to his face. He slid from her body when he started to soften, and he gathered her against him, looking more at peace than she had ever seen him, even in the before-time, when there had been no Barn, just a man who got caught out of time and found a life that suited him better than the one he'd had before.

Duke's ring gleamed in the firelight, and the ghost of the chains that Mara had melted finally fell from her body, the great weight that had been dragging her down disappearing.

Because he loved her.


End file.
